Happy

So I was doing the 100 happy days challenge. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a challenge to take and post a picture each day for 100 days of something that made you happy. But today after a few weeks of doing it I decided to stop.

I really like the concept of it, to find something each day that makes you happy, appreciate the little things and celebrate the big things.

And while there are many things that make me happy each day it was causing me issues.

Nobody besides John knows this, partially because I hoped it would just go away and also because I have friends going through things that I think are a lot harder but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and it seems to be getting worse so here goes. Since having Olivia I've had quite a bit of anxiety. I've actually had a few panic/anxiety attacks (which I had never had before). As far as I understand it's not the same as postpartum depression but it affects me a lot. I think it has to do with the fact that Olivia was very colicky at first and nursing was a huge struggle because of it, then all the hospital stuff and tests she had to have, and then the big move and not really having anyone else here. Being home alone all the time just me and her is hard, especially because she is a very needy baby.  (I love her just to clarify)

I know a lot of people have worse circumstances and some people if in the exact same situation would handle it all easily. I thought I would be able to but for some reason it's super hard on me and it causes really bad anxiety. Which makes it worse because I get super frustrated at myself a lot.

This anxiety affects me in a lot of different ways that at times consume all my thoughts and feelings, some of those being that a lot of the time I feel like a horrible mother and wife, which I know is probably irrational but I can't control it. But doing the 100 days of happy was making it worse. If I was having a particularly difficult day as far as anxiety goes it would only be made worse when I would think I have to find something to post a picture of. My mind would start freaking out.

Here's what would go through my mind:
what if I can't find anything to be happy about my day? Olivia is a baby, she's cute, she should make me happy, but she won't take a nap, I just need a second. I wish she could just be OK for more than 5 minutes without me. Am I a bad mom? Probably. No you're fine. Just go run, running makes you happy. But I have to take the stroller, I just want to run by myself. I could go running by myself when John gets home. What time is it? John won't be home for like 5 hours. Plus when he's home I just want to spend time with him. What should I do? I need to do something.

And on and on. Usually I end up going on a walk with Olivia. Or cleaning while I try to keep her happy.

Anyway there are many things that make me happy everyday but having to have something was making the anxiety worse, making me feel like a bad mom/wife, and making me feel like my days were mediocre. So I can't do it anymore.

I don't really know what to do about the anxiety (and honestly a lot of it comes from nursing but that's one thing I don't want to change) but I know if something causes it that I can eliminate I'm going to. So no more days of happy challenge for me. Which is fine because I'm trying not to be on my phone all the time except in the morning before Olivia wakes up or if I need to look something up really quick.