I've had something on my mind a lot lately. I've been wanting to write about it but I'm not sure how to get it all out coherently. So, this is my disclaimer. Bear with me for a sec.
Right now life is a little crazy. John has had a few things at work that are keeping him a little late and his calling at church takes up a lot of time. It's nothing new not having him around a ton. Since we moved to Utah for law school 3.5 years ago this has been our lives. Between the first year of law school overload, second year with all the extracurricular and being in a bishopric, third year with school, work, and extracurricular, and then work and studying for the bar we for sure have accustomed our life to enjoying the time we have together no matter how limited that may be.
The other night John was gone late so Olivia, Evelyn and I went on a walk after dinner. It was warm, the sun was setting, and the fall colors were gorgeous. It got me reminiscing on all the different places we have lived the last few years and all the different views we've had on our walks. Going on walks quickly became a thing to pass the time while John was away and I was alone with a baby. Being away from family and friends was hard and I definitely felt very alone those first few years after we moved to Utah.
My mind jumped to now. We made it through law school, now there are the two girls and John is still insanely busy. Those years in law school I always looked to the future, yearned for the future when school would be done and I'd finally have my husband back. Gratefully, my perspective has changed.
Now, though I often struggle with longs days just me and the girls and I pass them off the moment he gets home or put them to bed early on John's really late nights, I no longer am waiting for the day it changes. I no longer feel the same loneliness. I no longer wish desperately we could go back to the days of just the two of us working together and spending every moment together or try to figure out any way we can move back home to where friends and family are.
Now I can't say I don't miss those things sometimes, or often, but it's no longer a feeling of desperation,more nostalgia. But I digress.
As we were on that fall walk and I reminisced about the many walks over the past few years that did not include John, I felt overwhelmingly grateful. Grateful to live in areas that it was safe to go on those walks, grateful for the beauty around me, grateful for the memories with Olivia and now Evelyn. But more I was grateful for my husband. Yes he may have any responsibilities that take him away from us but boy am I grateful for that. How lucky am I to have a husband who is hardworking and trustworthy. How lucky am I to have a husband who, when given a responsibility, gives his all and aims for success. How lucky am I that I have a husband who is so busy and still takes the time to play with our girls, pick up the house, and hang out with me in the evenings.
Our life together is going to get more and more busy. It wouldn't be wise of me to wish away the time now in hopes of a time in the future where we go back to less busy days. That's not how life works, there's always going to be more, it seems it grows exponentially as time goes on. Today, here, this is the best day, tomorrow the new best day, and so it will continue. Life may get insanely difficult, even seemingly impossible at times, but the present moment is always the best. Wishing that away is a foolish trick we do to ourselves. Likewise, today is better than yesterday, or last month, year. The past is just that, it can't be relived, so it's impossible to be better than the present moment.
It's funny to imagine if I were to go back 10 years and think about what I wanted for my life. Would it be better than what I have now? I don't think so. Life has a funny way of taking our dreams and giving us back something we could never have imagined. If we choose to embrace it, it most often turns out for the better.
Like I said at the beginning, I wasn't sure exactly how to write this or where this would take me but I hope my ramblings make some sort of sense.
As a side note. Today marks 6 years since the day John and I became bf/gf and you better believe I went back and read my post from a few years ago when I wrote out our story and I CANNOT believe how gutsy I was with John. (Here's the link to that. https://thebabysellers.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-making-of.html) It totally was not like me to be so willing to put myself in potentially super embarrassing situations. Goes to show you he was definitely the guy for me. Boy do I love him.
No comments:
Post a Comment