Sleep: A thing of the past

John and I had our second anniversary this past weekend. 2 years of marriage, where did the time go?
We had been trying to figure out what to do, but with a baby things are a little limited. Especially when said baby is breastfed and absolutely refuses a bottle.
At first I thought we'll put her to sleep then go out while someone stayed with her. Great plan, except a few weeks ago she started waking up about an hour after putting her to sleep, to eat.
So that plan was out. We start bedtime routine around 7 and she can go between 2 and 4 hours without eating but I never know when it will be 2 and when it will be 4, so we had 2 hours. We had John's friend and his wife watch her and we went out to dinner... sushi of course :)
Surprisingly Olivia did GREAT and we enjoyed a night out alone together. We can actually go on dates now! WOOHOO!

On another note, sleep. This word has no meaning for me now. Since Olivia was a few weeks old she would sleep at least 6 hours, eat then sleep more. After two months she was sleeping all the way through the night. The past month or two she has been the most eradict sleeper, including naps. Waking every 1, 2 , 3 hours, taking no nap or napping for only 30 minutes. A few nights ago she woke up an hour after she woke up and then every two hours the rest of the night, also, 30 minutes before she actually would wake up she would wake up and make noises and so I would get up and then as soon as I walked into her room she would fall back asleep, then 30 minutes later she would be awake.

Needless to say I have been exhausted! Well last night, I was tired and felt horrible and John made me go to bed right after Olivia. She woke up twice and had a hard time going back to sleep but I finally caught up on sleep and now I feel great! Basically, my husband is amazing.

The progression of the day

When Olivia wakes up in the morning she is the happiest baby there ever could be. She loves life, loves me, and it's just so great. Everything is exciting, everything is funny. She wants to explore.

A few hours later she gets extremely irritable. Everything is horrible and sad. It's nap time.

Scenario one: she eats and thinks she's ready for fun.

Scenario two: she falls asleep. 30 minutes later she wakes up. (yes, if she naps at all its for 30 minutes, not a minute more. Yes, I realize she is 7 months and should be taking longer naps. No, there is nothing I can do to make her nap longer. Earlier nap, later nap, nurse to sleep, don't nurse to sleep, dark room, quiet time. She does what she wants.)

Either way an hour later she's grumpy, mad, screaming over everything.

Finally, lunchtime. Most days we visit John. She loves John. So while she hates everything, the second she sees him she is back to the early morning, happy, loves everything Olivia. Often she gives me this looks while she's grabbing his face and giggling that says "hey mama, look how much I love daddy. Daddy makes me happy."

The daddy high usually lasts an hour, sometimes two, after we leave him.

Then she's angry. Give me your books, it's mine I want to eat it. Give me the pillow it's mine, I want to eat it. No that's mine. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? To the bathroom? How dare you! Pick me up! Don't touch me. (I feel like she is already in her terrible two stage)

OK let's try for another (or first) nap. Same results. She either eats and is ready to play or sleeps for 30 minutes.

Either way 30 minutes to an hour later... Anger.

Sometimes we go for a drive with the hopes that she'll fall asleep, nope. But she loves looking out the window. Or for a walk, no sleep, but she loves looking at the trees.

Around 5 I start dinner, sometimes earlier because there is a window where she can play in the kitchen and is happy and talks to herself and its adorable. If I don't cook fast enough I end up holding her while trying to finish. Which is really ineffective because she grabs everything. I give her taste tests and she opens her mouth for more. She loves cooking with me.

Daddy gets home and as long as it's before 7 she is happy and excited and gives me that look again. We eat together and I almost always end up giving her all my mushrooms. She loves them! (and we do to. I sneak them into almost everything I make)

Sometimes she can't make it through dinner without starting to get irritable again. Sometimes after dinner she is happy and just wants to play. Either way around 730 bedtime begins. She screams as we lotion her down, screams as we change her, giggles and grabs at her medicine.

Then into the room. If she is angry and irritable she usually eats and falls fast asleep. If she was playing she climbs all over me all the while eating, it's a circus. Then she sleeps.

One and a half to 2 hours later she wakes up, eats some more and is usually down for the night. Unless she wakes up at 2,3,4, or 5 to eat again.

And then we start over.

When she is happy I try to quickly get ready for the day. We play, sing songs, read books, I tickle her. I follow her around the house as she explores. When she is irritable I try all that and it makes her more mad.

I get frustrated, I get tired, but I love this little girl. She is very determined and very strong willed and though that makes parenting hard I hope she stays that way and I hope I can help her learn to use that to strive and succeed in whatever she decides to do in her life.

In the Season of Thanksgiving

November tends to be the month our country chooses to realize our blessings.

On social media so many post each day for things that they are grateful for during this month, some things small, some big. I love the holiday season because of what it does to people.

It makes people grateful for the small things, have a more giving heart, and spend quality time with their family. (It can also bring out the worst in people; crazy holiday shoppers, gluttony, and family drama). I love that opposition, during a time when people are remembering the important things they also spend more time on the materialistic (unimportant) things. It just goes to show how opposites, despite their polar differences, tend to be very similar, at least in timing and strength of emotion.

Getting back to the point...
Thanksgiving is the start to the holiday season, followed by Christmas (and other religious holidays), and then the New Year. How great that we start out the season remembering the things we should be grateful for; focusing on our blessings, then celebrate the birth of the Savior of the world who represents love, peace, charity, and hope, and finally we have a new beginning, a time to reflect on the past year and decide to make changes to improve upon ourselves in the coming year. It is a great cycle that forces us all to be grateful and try to be a little better.

This year I have so much to be grateful for. There have been a lot of changes in our lives this past year, Olivia, moving states, and law school to name a few.
I am so grateful for...

John.
He is determined and hard working. Also, he is so fun and my best friend. He is seriously so in love with Olivia. He's listens to my rants and eats my food, usually without making any faces. He has great hair (and eyebrows), even if his hairline is receding, it still looks really good all the time. He's the best. Oh, and he got BOTH of the internships he applied for! We will be spending the summer in San Antonio, Texas! It is going to be hot and he is going to do great!

Olivia.
She is definitely a high maintenance baby but she is so incredibly cute and very determined just like her daddy. She has been months ahead on her milestones since just a few months old and she is just so adorable. She made me a mother and while it is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done, she really does make it worth it. (Even at 5 am when she has woken up for the 3rd or 4th time that night and thinks it is play time).

Our Apartment.
We live in the basement of a house. It is literally a 5 minute walk to the law school, it has covered parking (a must for the snow), it has a washer and dryer, and while it has its quirks (tiny stove that I am pretty sure hates me), it is home. When John found it we actually had already put a deposit down for another place (smaller, no covered parking, no washer and dryer, farther from school, and that hard carpet that had no padding) but when he found this one and all its perfectness we decided to take the loss of the deposit on the other place.

Our car.
When we moved here my car had a lot of work needed done on it. the move almost killed it (pulling the trailer John could only go about 45 mph the ENTIRE way). SO we decided to sell it and get a different car, we looked and looked, we actually had been looking for almost a year back in California but nothing. Then while we were out looking at another car, that happened to be a dud, we randomly went to this one car lot and found the perfect car. They had only had it a day or so and after driving it and talking it over we decided to get it. It was a little out of our budget but it was such a great car, and John was sick of bad cars (his old car always had something wrong with it). So, we bought it, and we took it to a mechanic who said it was a good car, and when I went to get the oil change a month ago the guy said he doesn't think he has ever seen a used car in such good condition. YAY! Plus it is a Subaru, all wheel drive, so hopefully we will survive the snowy season.

BYU.
Well J. Rueben Clark Law School really. While we are NOT die hard cougar fans and we HATE the football games and all the chaos it causes in the streets in the ENTIRE city, I am so grateful John is going to law school here. For one the tuition is SO SO cheap compared to other law schools, I mean we are paying undergrad prices thanks to it's affordability and John's scholarship. Also, it's very "family centered". For example, one guy in his class, his wife is pregnant and she is UBER sick and he wasn't keeping up with the work load, so he talked to them and they let him drop one of his classes and he's going to take it next year, that way his load is less and he can take care of his wife. Seriously, what other law school would do that?

The weather.
I lived in Southern California for my entire life. 24 years I lived there. So moving to another state, one where it is SUPER dry and there are actual seasons, oh and with an elevation of 4,500 feet compared to 0, well it is a big change. Actually having a fall is the most amazing thing ever! Really, it is so fun to see all the leaves change color! Winter though, winter scares me. Snow scares me. But while I guess usually by now the snow is starting to pile up, it has only snowed twice, and both times just for a few hours. And while I know that won't last forever I am grateful the snow is waiting a while longer to make its appearance.

Our ward (church congregation).
We attend a student married ward. Which means everyone in our ward are all in the same boat as us! One or both people in every couple is in school. We pretty much all live in tiny apartments and we are all poor. There are a few other babies and I think we are pretty much all in our 20s. It is great to be surrounded by people all at the same place in life. Plus, there are some pretty cool people too.

I am so grateful for so many things, I could probably go on for a really long time but I'll stop here. So in the spirit of Thanks Giving let's eat some turkey!

3 weeks till finals

Law school finals are two weeks long (fun right?). So John is officially in the final stretch of his first semester. Law school is scary and your entire grade for a class is based on the final, nothing else. SO pretty much the law students start freaking out about this time of year. Because of this I basically don't see John at all. For example, today he left for school at 7am, I went over at 630 with dinner and it is now 9 and he is still not home. Boo finals, boo.

BUT even though it being this close to finals means I don't see my husband, it also means the semester is almost over... which means its almost Christmas! And Christmas means happy California time!

It is just beginning to get cold here in Utah, and I'm a bit jealous of California and its 70-80 degree weather. So I am definitely looking forward to the two weeks of no snow, and freezing temperatures. But mostly I am excited to see family and friends. I miss my California people. While I have started to make friends here in Utah it is just not the same. California has all the people who know me inside and out, the people I can complain to about just about anything and know they will still love me, the people I can vent to, the people I can talk about old times with. California is home, and even though we basically are not going to end up in California after law school it will still always be home.

My curious and determined little girl

Every day I am amazed at the things Olivia does. She is learning so fast!

Olivia is just over 6 months. She can sit up on her own, crawl, pull herself up to standing, and even take a few steps while holding something.

If I'm not in the room with her she comes and finds me, she is curious beyond belief, and gets into everything (including the cupboards with the pots and pans).

She eats pretty much anything I give her. Beans, avocados, chicken, sweet potato, curry, tomatoes, she'll eat it all. She can pick up food by herself and put it in her mouth, she just started drinking water through a straw, and when I'm cooking she opens her mouth offering to taste test what I'm cooking.

This little girl has the cutest laugh and smile. She is completely in love with her daddy.

She is a handful and I love her.

Being a mom truly is hard work. She watches me and I hope I am setting a good example for her.

Every day she is doing something new and while that often leads her to falling, I love watching her determination.

The making of...

3 years ago today John and I became boyfriend and girlfriend... And much like the making of our relationship it just kind of happened.

I moved to Long Beach August 2008. John left Long Beach to serve a mission in Puerto Rico for two years July 2008. We missed meeting each other by one month.

During those two years I heard a lot about him. It seemed like so many girls wanted to date him when he got back, and it was kind of annoying. I always though, what could be so great about him?

Two years later John got back from his mission. He saw my picture and thought I was cute. That Sunday he was talking to a guy he knew before the mission and his girlfriend walked up. (hint: the girlfriend was me). And with that the thought of ever dating me went out the window. I was now just his friend's girlfriend.

Months later John was dating someone, I was dating his friend, so we went on a double date. And that date started a whole chain of double dates.

Since my boyfriend at the time was John's friend I was there to see him at his "just broke up with his girlfriend" low. And then more double dates with the next girl he dated. Then that girl moved back to Utah and my boyfriend left for a two year mission.

The next little while I tried to help set John up with a few girls, which didn't end up happening for one reason or another. We would talk when we saw each other at various church activities but that was about it.

(The first picture of the two of us. Just friends, going to a greek festival with some other people)

At some point in the midst of trying to set him up and running into him I realized I kind of might have a crush on him. But I ignored it and told no one. He was the guy so many girls thought was cute (putting him out of my league), he was my ex boyfriends friend (making him off limits), and there was no way he liked me (making it impossible).

And I was more than ok with that. I honestly didn't want to date. I had a few guys who were interested, a couple that took me on trick dates, and it annoyed me and I just didn't feel like dealing with guys at the time. I was single for the first time in awhile and I liked it.

So, life continued. Until a friend made a comment that I should date him which I laughed and replied there was no way. But then the idea had been said out loud which made the impossibility of it kind of suck. It didn't change anything though, it would never happen and I was having fun being single but I decided it wouldn't hurt to flirt.

His birthday was coming up so a friend and I decided it would be funny to buy him razors (He kept complaining that his was dull). And mostly as an excuse to go out for sushi we took him out for his birthday.

The day before his birthday a group of us got together at someone's house and we ended up somehow playing spin the bottle (seriously I don't even know how it came up) but I knew this would be the only chance I had to kiss him so I agreed to play.

That was probably a bad idea for a few reasons but mostly because after I kissed him I realized I definitely liked him.

On his actual birthday he had work and class all day and then had to study. Not much of a birthday. So I got my half of the razor gift, went to 7 eleven and got a slurpee and showed up outside his dorm room. I gave them to him, it was a little awkward and then I left. When I left I freaked out and was like what the heck did I just do?!?! I had had this moment of courage, but it was awkward and now he would know!

A few days later we went out for sushi. John, my friend, and me. And honestly besides the fact I love eating sushi and I liked spending time with John it was an awful night. The whole time all I could think about was the fact that we kissed and the fact I didn't want to like him because it would never go anywhere and I liked being single.

So at that point I decided since there was no way he would ever like me or we would ever date that it didn't matter if I flirted with him. So that's what I did.

A few weeks went by, I got out of class early, John did well on a test or something so I "tricked" him into meeting me at Yogurtland to celebrate. We met and stayed there talking till closing.

(I didn't think it meant anything besides the fact we were becoming good friends)

Later that week a group of us went to the LA temple. John and I rode in the same car. He was in the front and I sat in the back. After, we all went to this pizza place in LA and when we got there there was this outdoor market. John wanted to walk through it but everyone was just hungry so I said I would, mostly because I wanted to walk through it too but also because I wanted to be alone with him. So, when we got to the pizza place the only seats at the table were at the very end sitting across from each other. A friend jokingly made a comment that it was like we were on a date and I got super awkward, made sure not to make eye contact with John, and then quickly changed the subject.

We left and when we got in the car John got in the back seat next to me. By this time it was really late and I was exhausted so I tried leaning against the side to fall asleep. Those of you who have ever tried to sleep in the back of a mini Cooper can attest to the fact they are super uncomfortable. I kept readjusting and then John put his arm up and said I could lean against him if I wanted. So I did. And knowing this would never happen again I didn't move a muscle once I was there.

(At this point I honestly just thought he was being nice and that this in no way was a move. He still didn't like me and there was no chance he ever would)

The next day a group of us with annual passes went to Disneyland (John included). I had work and John had class so we were going a little later than everyone else so we decided to carpool.

Disneyland was a blast of course! But it seemed like every ride John and I ended up sitting together. I started feeling super awkward, I didn't want him to figure out I had started liking him (because there was still no way he liked me), I didn't want other people to figure out I liked him (because then he would probably end up finding out), and I just wanted to have fun at Disneyland and not worry about this boy that would never like me.

It was near the end of the night and we went to watch World of Color. We were watching it and it was amazing and then he put his arm around me! At first all I could think was it's cold, he's just being nice. Then the show was over, one of our friends gave us a look, and we all started running to the other side of the park to catch the last ride of tower of terror before the park closed. At some point as we were running John grabbed my hand. So we are running through California Adventure hand in hand. It was like a movie.

(This picture was taken at some point during World of Color)

And then it hit me, John Sellers is holding my hand! And the battle in my mind started. Wait, he doesn't like me. He has to like you, he's holding your hand. Maybe he just feels bad for putting his arm around you and doesn't know what to do so he's holding your hand. No, that makes no sense. He totally likes you. How did this happen? Who cares! No, we can't date. Maybe it's just all the Disney magic, we'll leave and he'll realize what happened and then it will just be awkward between us. Who cares, he's holding your hand!

We went on the ride, we left and he held my hand the whole drive home. He dropped me off at home and that was that. I was confused because there was no way he could like me and we weren't supposed to end up dating, but I was happy.

The next evening he came over to watch a movie. We held hands during the movie and after we were just talking and then he kissed me. And then I kissed him. And then we were both like what is happening. And then we kissed again.

(After we had kissed)

The next day was October 23rd. It was a Sunday, we sat next to each other at church which we had never done before. At that moment everyone knew. Some people were mad (remember he was my ex's friend and I hadn't told anyone that I liked him) and others were excited, but we were all smiles. (Like super huge, cheesy smiles). 

(The first picture we took after we were officially bf/gf)

That evening he came over and we were just hanging out. My roommate came out and was like do you guys like each other and we just looked at each other and then looked at her and said yes. A couple minutes later she came out and asked if we were dating. He looked at me and asked if we were dating. I asked him if we were dating and we looked at my roommate and said yes. And that was that.

Over the next few weeks/months we had quite a few people mad at us. (No one knew I even had a crush on him, and he was my ex's friend). It sucked. I hated that people were mad, but we were happy, super happy. I never thought anything would come of a crush I had on a boy I wasn't supposed to like but there we were so giddy it was ridiculous. We were together in all our free time, spent so many nights at Disneyland, and enjoyed every minute we had together. We met each other's families and somewhere in between we fell in love.

And the rest is history. 

I've heard often you fall in love while you're busy making other plans. That is definitely what happened with John and I. I don't think either of us ever thought we would ever end up dating let alone get married and I'm so happy we did.

I don't know if I believe in soul mates but if I did I would say John is definitely mine. We fell together quite unexpectedly and these last three years have been the best three years. I love our story, and I'm pretty sure it would make an awesome movie. ;)

(Like a week after we started dating he came in and tried to surprise me while I was sitting at my desk doing my nails and flipped onto my bed... kicking out my window. I just laughed so hard!)

(Playing)

Olivia

Next week Olivia will be 6 months old! Seriously I don't even know where the time has gone.

What I do know is man she is growing up fast!

She has been crawling since 4 and a half months, sitting up since 5 months, and she has begun to pull herself up on things and climb shallow steps. It is funny to see her around other babies that are older than her and not yet crawling. She is so small compared to them but she can crawl right up to them and grab their face and all they can do it lay or sit there crying because they can't move yet. (Yes this has happened a few times at the library...)

She chews on EVERYTHING! We were at church on Sunday and she kept leaning over to chew on the pew, then she had a friends travel brush during Sunday School and she was just chewing it and kind of throwing it around.... she actually ended up somehow pulling the two sides apart. She's crazy.

We have started giving her solids. Her first food was a baked sweet potato. She pretty much demolished it and was shoving it in her mouth. She's tried a few things (Sweet potato, avocado, banana, grapes, green beans, peach, asparagus, potatoes, black beans, chicken) and it turns out so far she really isn't a big fan of fruit. Which I think is really weird, but I think her favorite food so far has been black beans, avocado, and chicken. She was using the spoon to shovel in the black beans all by herself and going crazy. It was awesome. Letting her feed herself is SUPER messy but she seems to love it so it's definitely worth the mess. Also, I love not giving her the typical gerber baby food and just giving her some of what we are eating. She seems to enjoy eating what mom and dad are eating. It's fun and I don't have to worry about buying baby food. woohoo!

John's Birthday Surprise(s)!!

John's birthday was on Friday and I really wanted to make this birthday awesome!

There are many reasons why but the main two were 1) he has been in law school for almost two months and while it is not as bad as he thought it was it is a lot of work and so he spends about 12 hours a day at school. So when he is home he is usually exhausted and just wants to chill. 2) His last birthday I was pregnant and SOOO sick. I was throwing up all the time and had zero energy and so I had nothing planned for his birthday. I am pretty sure I threw up like 10 times that day and a little after dinner I was like we HAVE to do something! So we went out to eat. He got food and I got a milkshake that I think I took 5 sips of and let him have the rest. I felt bad for him having the lamest birthday ever.

So, long story short. This year NEEDED to be different! And luckily this past week was his placement break. SO although he still had lots of work to do he didn't have classes so he had more free time which meant FUN EVERYDAY.

Here's how it went down:

Monday: He was at school most of the day. Olivia and I visited him for lunch. That night I made him curry for dinner (because he loves curry). Then we went to the Provo City Library because they were having this exhibit of the original Looney Toons art, it was pretty neat. Also, I got him a few pictures of him and I and a couple with Olivia to put in his carrel (his desk at school).


Tuesday: He was at school basically all day. I visited him for lunch. He had a dinner for this Law symposium that was going on with delegates from around the world so he didn't get home till about 9pm. So, I made him this heart map.



Wednesday: He got to sleep in! YAY! He went to school to work on a few things. Then we went to the corn maze and picked pumpkins!! So fun!!! Oh and we had hot dogs for dinner because we LOVE LOVE LOVE hot dogs.



Thursday: More school for John. Then we went to the Museum on campus which he has been wanting to do. When we got home I surprised him with a nerf gun fight!


Friday: Birthday DAY! We slept in and then went to the Provo City Library where they do this music and story time for babies. I thought it would be nice since it is probably going to be the only chance John gets to go since he normally has school. Then we went to Tocanos for lunch, it is this really yummy Brazilian meat place. It was good, and I probably ate a whole pineapple! Olivia scarfed on some asparagus and fried bananas. Then we chilled for a little while we digested, we watched Perks of Being a Wallflower, a movie John really likes. And then we went to yogurtland! And surprise! His parents just happened to be there! Actually we planned it. They were coming to Utah to get a car and they worked out coming for his birthday and we decided not to tell him. It was awesome and he was SO SO shocked.

Saturday: We went apple picking in the morning! Then he went and hung out with his family while I go things ready. At 6 we went out and hiked the Y while his sister watched Olivia. The hike was pretty awesome and the sunset was amazing. When we were almost to the top I faked hurting my ankle so we had to go back down. When we got to the house surprise! Everyone was there and we ate tacos and hung out.


Sunday: Just a normal Sunday... but we had Bratwurst for dinner because he has been talking about it for awhile and it's his birthday so yumyum!



All in all I think he enjoyed the week and all the birthday surprises. It was seriously SO hard to keep his parents and the party a secret from him. I almost accidentally told him a few times. Keeping things from the person you tell absolutely everything to is not so easy, but I did it and I think it was a success.

John is 26 now! He is officially in his late 20s and yes he is freaking out that he is "almost" 30. I love him.

Delivered out of bondage

The other night we went to a reunion for John's mission. John went on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints from 2008-2010 in Puerto Rico (He was also on the islands of Aruba and Curacao). They have the reunions here is Utah so we haven't been able to go to the last few so he was excited to see people he hadn't seen in awhile. There was lots of catching up, food, and his mission president and his wife talked a little about what they are doing now.

They are currently working down in Mexico City for the Church. He is a lawyer and they have spent the last few years as the churches legal Council in Mexico City.

His wife talked a lot about the burdens we bear and gave this story of relieving someone else's burdens and shared this scripture.

Mosiah 7:33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

She emphasized "full purpose of heart" and "with all diligence of mind"  and then of course "he will... Deliver you out of bondage".

When she said this it just made me feel such relief and made me really happy. We all go throw times that are difficult, our own bondage, if we have faith, if we believe we can make it through, if we work hard to be better and help those around us we will get through the hard times. Those hard times may not end when we want them to and they may end in a way we didn't think of or end with us somewhere we never would have thought we would be but they will end, we will be delivered out of bondage.

That is such a great promise. And in the midst of struggles it is so comforting to hear.

Often times when we are struggling we can't see an out and we don't think anyone can help us. But luckily there is always someone watching over us and He tends to put people in our lives that will help us in our times of need.

Lucky for me I have an amazing husband. The anxiety and loneliness that have come with being a stay at home mom has been hard for me. But John helped me make a plan and though it's only been in place a few days... I can feel that bondage I felt I was trapped in disappearing. And not only that I think it's helped others as well.  It's so great how the ways out of our struggles often include helping others out of theirs. It's like the natural course of "pay it forward". 

I'm rambling. Basically, we went to his mission reunion and I heard exactly what I needed to hear and it made me happy. 

I love my husband. I love my baby girl. And I am so looking forward to the adventures our family will have on a daily basis.

October

It is October!! Which means a few things...

October means it is definitely fall. And we are now in Utah, you know a state with actually seasons (weird I know). Which means it's getting cold and the leaves are changing colors!! :) Also, I'm pretty sure our heater just got turned on for the first time (since we are in the basement we don't control the ac/heater) I'm so excited to actually experience fall in all it's glory! I can't wait to go to the corn maze and maybe drive the canyon and see all the beautiful fall foliage.

October means it is my hubby's birthday! Yay! John will be 26 is 10 days.... which means I really need to figure out his present. YIKES. We are planning on going to Toscanos for his birthday because well he wants to. And there are other exciting things planned for him, but I can't talk about those because then he would know and that would be lame. (So John if you are reading this too bad I am not giving away any clues!)

October is when it all began for us! It started with spin the bottle with a bunch of people on his birthday because we both thought it would be the only chance we had to kiss each other. Yogurtland to celebrate... well I don't remember, it was all a total excuse to hang out with him alone! He put his arm around me on the car ride home from the temple "so I could be more comfortable". Disneyland, where we both shamelessly completely let loose and flirted hard core with each other. (And still I didn't think he liked me....) WORLD OF COLOR... holding hands. Watching a movie and our first kiss. Grilled by my roommate about our relationship status which is how it all became official. So thank you October and all your magical wonderfulness.

October means my baby girl can have food! Real people foood! She will be 6 months on the 29th and let me tell you she is READY! Last night we decided to eat dinner in the living room so that Olivia could keep playing. John sat on the floor and Olivia made a bee line straight for him and kept running into him and getting all excited and drooling at our bowls. Then she started getting frustrated, which she does when we eat because she wants it BAD. So John gave her a taste on his finger and I am pretty sure she would have ripped his finger off if she could. I'm trying to decide what I want her first food to be! I made this butternut squash, garbanzo bean soup last week and the left overs are in the freezer... so maybe that. Or maybe some pumpkin curry in honor of it being October. We shall see!

October means, like I mentioned before, it's fall, when the leaves change. And this year with the changing of the leaves I have a few changes I am planning on making! (Well John and I decided them together). I've been struggling with being home alone all day with Olivia. Part of it is loneliness and part of it is probably connected to all the HUGE changes that have happened in the last 3 months. I know motherhood is SUPER important but not having specific things to do everyday and not having people to talk to all day is really getting to me. Who would have ever guessed that I would miss work AND school. Weird right. Well I do. Anyway, here are the things I plan on doing/changing so that I don't go crazy, so I don't have anxiety, and so I can just be a happier person.

1. I HAVE to run EVERY DAY. Well not Sundays, and I would say not saturdays but there is this law spouses running group on saturday mornings so I will be doing that.

2. I have to try and get together with someone everyday, even if it's just for 30 minutes. This one is a little tricky because well all my friends that were up here moved away. So, this is like a double, by having to get together with someone everyday that also means I have to make the effort to make friends. Which isn't always the easiest thing and can be awkward at times, but it's going to happen!

3. John and I are going to get back into playing games together in the evening. With him studying all day and me taking care of Olivia all day it's so easy just to get on our phones or watch a show in the evening, but that's not really quality time. So games we will play!!

4. Family History/genealogy. For those of you who don't know my family, my mom and gramma specifically are crazy good at genealogy. Seriously. So I'm gonna start getting more into it. They have done so much research, and while I want to see all that they have found I also want to find some things out on my own.

5. Other random things like going to the public library, doing crafts, cooking new food....

So if anyone has any ideas of other things to fill mine and Olivia's day send them my way!

Also, if anyone in the Provo area wants to join me on any of these things, please please please let me know!!

Welcome October, welcome Fall, and welcome change!!

I am a Runner.

Up until 2009 I hated running. I didn't think it was fun and I did not understand all those crazy people who loved it.

My freshman year of high school I was on my school's field hockey team. Our first practice of the year we went out and had to run 3 miles... in the mountains. I am pretty sure I almost died. Everyday of the week we would start our practice with at least a 2 mile run. Then we would be running all during practice. While I loved playing field hockey (even though I wasn't very good at it) I seriously hated all the running. I hated it so much that after one season of it I quit.

Then I was on the swim team. I loved every minute of it. I loved being in the water and somehow the practices where we were just swimming lap after lap after lap, I could endure. I came to discover that I had pretty good endurance.

In college, I took exercise classes. I liked working hard and I liked sweating up a storm. I also would occasionally go do some laps at the pool.

I had this roommate. She was gorgeous, funny, and just an amazing human being. We became best friends really fast and most of the time she wasn't at work and I wasn't at school or work, we were together. The only problem... she ran. So, I would go with her, but I would ride my bike along side her. It actually worked out really well because I could carry her water and snacks. The only problem is biking next to someone running isn't much of a workout. Boo.

This continued and despite my hate for running I am pretty sure every time she went for a run she would ask if I wanted to join her. Every time I would laugh and say I hated running. Until one day she asked, I laughed, and she asked again, she might have even begged. Not in a way that was in any way humiliating for her but in a way that made me feel like I really didn't know what I was missing.

So I agreed.

We went down to the beach and headed out on a 3 mile run. I told her I would run with her but when I couldn't anymore I was going to stop and just chill by the water until she was done. Every step I took I thought I was only steps away from my last one. I knew that if I went with her, gave it a try and still hated it she would see for herself that running wasn't more me.

Every few minutes she would ask me how I was doing, if I needed to slow down or walk, and to my surprise every time she asked my response was, "no, I'm ok." Around 30 minutes later we were done and I had just ran 3 miles. She asked me what I thought and I am pretty sure my response was something like, "It was fine."

The next time she went running, she got ready and started heading out the door. Now since I had given it a try and didn't say much about it I think she figured I still was not a fan so this time she didn't ask me. When I saw her leaving I told her to wait, I wanted to go. As soon as those words left my lips two things happened. Her face lit up, and all I could think was what did I just say??

So, I went again. And the next time I went again, until we started planning runs together.

One day I realized I was a runner. Running was no longer this thing that other people did that I didn't understand. Running defined me.

And so my relationship with running developed. At first it was short distances, 3 to 5 miles. My friend tried to get me to do a marathon and I laughed at her. I could NEVER do that. There is no way. Well, she went on to train for it and I started training with her, until she got to the really long runs. Her and her dad ran a marathon and when she came back, I was jealous.

So, I decided maybe I can't do a marathon but I could probably do a half marathon. I trained for a few months and I did it. I ran a half marathon, I couldn't walk after, but the entire time I was running it I felt so empowered and free.

Time went by and I thought maybe I could run a marathon. So I started training with my friend. Training was going great, about a month or two before the race the training program had me at a 16 mile run. I did it and although I got a pretty nasty blood blister I finished it and felt amazing. At that point I KNEW I could run a marathon.

Sadly, the next day at work I was playing with one of the kids, running around, and I fell and twisted my ankle. As soon as I went down and heard a pop I knew it was bad. It hurt so bad, I wanted to cry. Not only because of the pain but because I knew right then I would not be running this marathon. So, I called out to another teacher and they helped me into the office. I went in to workers comp which was a horrible experience. In a nutshell, they did an x-ray, it wasn't broken. They told me it was just a sprain, but I knew it wasn't. After too long not being able to put any weight on it and then when I could not being able to walk right I went to physical therapy, still it wasn't right.

After 5 months they finally sent me to a specialist. One minute, that is all he needed to tell it wasn't just a sprain, so he sent me in for an MRI to see how bad it was. The results: I had torn not one but two ligaments in my ankle... that was the pop I had heard. Great. They had me fitted for a specialized brace and a week later I went back in for it. Luckily, after wearing that for awhile I was back to running. I had to wear the brace, which almost made it look like I had a prosthetic foot but I could run.

Since I hadn't been able to run for about 7 months I decided to start slow, I started training for another half marathon that was two month away.

The half came and I did it. I finished and just a few minutes slower than my first one. So I thought I can run a marathon! And started looking for on to run. Then I got pregnant. Which was great, until the morning sickness kicked in and I literally could not eat or drink anything without throwing up. I decided since I wasn't taking in any food I probably should run until it got better. I lost 12 pounds before it got better. I was sick for almost 4 months and decided at that point it probably wasn't a good idea to start running again until after the pregnancy.

Fast forward to 6 weeks postpartum. I was cleared to run! YAY! So, jogging stroller in tow I set out to run. I thought I would start small with a slow mile. Well no one tells you how freaking hard it is to get back into running after pregnancy. It was the slowest mile of my life and I could barely breathe the whole time!

I was annoyed. When I first started running I went out and ran 3 miles. After 7 months of not running from my injury I just ran 3 miles. Six weeks after I push a baby our of me in 20 minutes I couldn't even run a mile?!?! Not cool.

I tried again a few times and the results were the same. It was hard and I couldn't breathe at all. Then my baby was hospitalized, that resolved, and then we moved.

I went from living at seas level to living at an elevation of 4500 feet. I tried running and if I thought my post baby body couldn't breathe before.. man I really couldn't breathe. I felt defeated. I was sad and just wanted to be able to go out and run 3 miles, 7 miles, 11 miles. There was a time a year ago that I could do that and the fact I can't... well it sucks.

So I gave up for a few weeks. Then one day I was having really bad anxiety and so I thought, I NEED to go for a run. So, I grabbed the baby put her in the stroller and set out for a run. I decided before I started that I would run/walk whatever I could, it didn't matter. I needed to get back into running and I had to start somewhere.

This run was different. I could breathe. I was running and I didn't need to stop. I had a good pace and everything was going great until it wasn't. I was running slightly downhill and the stroller was pulling me a little faster than I wanted to be going and somewhere I tripped and rolled my ankle... the bad one.

I almost blacked out. I wanted to cry. This time I thought well I will definitely need surgery this time. I called John, he stopped studying and came to rescue me. I couldn't put any weight on it so we tried having me sit in the stroller, but that didn't work. He tried giving me a piggy back ride but pushing a stroller uphill with your wife on your back is not the easiest thing in the world. So I decided to try and walk.

It hurt, but I could do it. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

This was about two weeks ago. My ankle is still VERY weak. I may start running again in the next week once I get a new tire for my running stroller. This time I will wear my prosthetic looking brace for sure.

Through all the ups and downs of running. Through the times I have had to stop for one reason or another it has become something that defines me. While it functions as exercise that is really not why I run.

My husband knows this. He knew how much I loved running before we started dating so he decided he was going to impress me. At that time the most he was running was maybe a mile. He ran 6.and while it definitely impressed me he hasn't been able to run since. A knee injury from a bike accident on his mission didn't like randomly running 6 miles. But he ran because he knew how much it meant to me. If anyone ever wonders why I love him this is one of many reasons.

I run because an amazing friend convinced me to do it and I found power and freedom in it. Over the past few years it has produced a lot of things for me. It has been hard, there have been days I hated it all over again, but those long runs and the short runs that I ran fast have made me feel so accomplished. Running has been my therapy. It is my safe place, despite injuries, and the one place I know even if I am having a slow day that I can succeed.

Years ago a good friend basically tricked me into running with her. She got upgraded to a running buddy and no matter how far away from each other we live that is what she will always be.

I am a runner. I may get injured, but running no matter where it is will always give me peace, it will always challenge me and it always empower me.

"There's something so universal about that sensation, the way running unites our two most primal impulses: fear and pleasure. We run when we're scared, we run when we're ecstatic, we run away from our problems and run around for a good time." -Born to Run

Thought Process

There are times when I feel like I should write a blog post but I either have NO idea what to write or simply have nothing to write about.

Usually when that happens I just don't write anything. BUT for some reason I have felt like I needed to write something all day so I am just going to see where this takes me.

Lately, I have had a lot on my mind. John has been trying to figure out what exactly he wants to do as far as post law school. While he does have three years to decide really he doesn't. The internships he does is the summers kind of determine where we will be and what he will be doing. While he can change his mind it does help a lot to have experience in the area you want to practice and have the connections with people and firms in that area. So we are trying to figure out where we want to live and what he wants to do.

While what he wants to do is probably the hardest part, and I can't really help much with that, where we want to end up... it is stressful to think about. While our family is in California, and a lot of his in Utah as well. We really don't see ourselves ending up in California and we definitely don't want to end up in Utah (it is beautiful and fun, but just not for us). Since we won't be in California we want to be somewhere close enough that we aren't super far from family, but we don't want to end up in the dessert (it's just too hot!). So most of Nevada and Arizona, New Mexico are out. John has talked a lot about Texas, the job market there is good and cost of living is low. But dude is gets HOT in the summer (or so we hear). Oregon and Washington are appealing to me, the west half at least, but I don't think that will happen.

Really we are at a loss, but within the next 6 months John will get an internship somewhere and that will probably decide our fate. We both really like the idea of being on the east coast for a few years right after law school and then moving back west. It works for me because my parents go out there usually at least once a year, sometimes twice, but I don't think we would ever see John's family unless we went back to California for the holidays.

Trying to figure out what we want, the type of place we could handle, and take into consideration seeing both our families is hard. But I guess we will end up where we need to be and will work out the logistics of family when the time comes.

On another note, I've been looking for some stay at home work. While it would be ideal for me to find something so we don't completely deplete our savings there is also a lot to consider. As of now Olivia won't take a bottle, the girl is stubborn, and that's ok. I want to be home with her, especially while she is a baby. I considered babysitting another child, that way I could have her with me, but I did a test run that was suppose to be a week long and it lasted one day. I got super anxious, I started stressing out, Olivia wouldn't eat or sleep, and when I left I had an anxiety attack. So that was bad. I've looked at work from home jobs but the ones that aren't a scam generally want a specific schedule and I really can't do that. Olivia is very needy and she definitely doesn't have a set schedule as far as napping goes. Again she is very stubborn, she definitely is going to be a very strong willed person, which I am so happy about but it makes it impossible to have a job where I sit down during a specific time each day and just work. So, although I generally look for something everyday we've accepted that this year we probably won't have that to rely on.

But next year when Olivia is older and is either no longer breastfeeding or at least not relying on it as her only food I do want to do something. I have figured out that being a stay at home mom is super hard. Besides the whole trying to take care of the baby, keep the house clean, and make dinner, and take a shower. It is hard to just be here, with just a baby and not feel like I am being productive. All through college I worked and went to school, I was busy. I always had something to do and I was around other people. Now I am alone most of the day, and now that I really think about it besides all the things that probably set my anxiety off (Olivia being in the hospital, moving, John in law school...) being at home and not feeling productive definitely add to it. Also, I want her to be around other kids her age, to help with her social development and so she gets used to being with other people besides me and John. So what could be better than for her to have that for a few hours during the day and me to have a job or something to give me more purpose while she is there.

But that is about a year away.

Back to me trying to have things to do during the day so I am not bored and to keep my anxiety to a minimum. At this point I go to the store a lot. So our grocery bill this month... ridiculous. I need something else. I was getting back into running but then I sprained my bad ankle really bad on a run, and then when I went to go run the other day, the tire on my jogging stroller is flat and I have to get a new one because it immediately deflates if I (meaning John) pump it up. I tried going to Target to get a replacement but they don't carry the right size. Boo. It seems like there is always something keeping me from running, it is getting annoying.

I wish I could volunteer for a non profit, I really love being apart of organizations with a cause but I can't seem to find one that would be ok with me volunteering with baby in tow. (Lame right?!?)

So for now John and I will keep discussing and try to figure out where we will end up, I'll keep searching for things to do, and I will keep trying to make running work! I think once I can get back into running for real things will be a lot better :)


P.S. I love John Elliott Sellers SO much! My anxiety gives me really bad, sometimes scary dreams, but he just loves me and laughs it off. Seriously I do not know what I would do without him.

Food

As many of you know, I haven't been able to eat dairy for awhile. When Olivia was first born she was very "colicky" if she wasn't eating or sleeping she was screaming, and half the time while she was eating should would scream and wiggle.

So many just pass it off as her being colicky, but I knew there had to be a reason. She wasn't just screaming for no reason. There was something she needed, something causing her discomfort. So I researched, a lot, and I found a lot of articles saying that many babies who are labeled colicky actually have gas, painful gas that they can't release on their own. As I read this I was like YES! Since she was born John had to pump her legs and push them into her stomach to help her relieve gas, she couldn't do it on her own. I read more and I found a common cause of this is an aversion to dairy. So, I decided to test it out. Since I breastfeed this means I had to eliminate dairy from my diet. And I did. Olivia started doing SO much better. The few times I have slipped and had dairy, she is not a happy camper. So, no dairy for me!

Not cooking with dairy is a whole new task. If you really think about it, so much food that we eat, and a lot of food John and I would cook had dairy of some sort. Milk, cheese, cream of whatever soups, cheese....and then there are desserts.

Seriously everything has dairy in it!!

So we had to cook without it. It had been going ok. Going out to eat, unless it's Thai, is usually hard because like I said everything has dairy! Down to things being cooked in butter. Luckily we don't go out that often. Then there is being invited over to people's house for dinner. I don't know why but I feel rude telling people I can't have anything with dairy and I just hope that what they were planning on didn't need much alteration.

Now I have been on a cooking adventure the past few weeks. Not only do I not use dairy in my cooking, but we eat very little meat now because it is too expensive and meat just doesn't settle well with us for some reason, especially with John.

So I have been trying to making new things and things that even without dairy or without meat it is still delicious and filling.

It has been fun and there have been a few things that I won't be making again, but overall I think it has been a good experience and has made me more confident in the kitchen.

I used to have break downs a lot because I would try to make something delicious and it would turn out so gross. I would think about how great a cook my mom is and how that gene must have skipped me. But now I see that it takes time, practice, and testing things out. Cooking is an adventure, it is fun and I love having John walk in the door at the end of the day and smell dinner cooking and excited to eat.

So if anyone has any yummy recipes that are completely dairy free, meat optional PLEASE share them with me!

Happy

So I was doing the 100 happy days challenge. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a challenge to take and post a picture each day for 100 days of something that made you happy. But today after a few weeks of doing it I decided to stop.

I really like the concept of it, to find something each day that makes you happy, appreciate the little things and celebrate the big things.

And while there are many things that make me happy each day it was causing me issues.

Nobody besides John knows this, partially because I hoped it would just go away and also because I have friends going through things that I think are a lot harder but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and it seems to be getting worse so here goes. Since having Olivia I've had quite a bit of anxiety. I've actually had a few panic/anxiety attacks (which I had never had before). As far as I understand it's not the same as postpartum depression but it affects me a lot. I think it has to do with the fact that Olivia was very colicky at first and nursing was a huge struggle because of it, then all the hospital stuff and tests she had to have, and then the big move and not really having anyone else here. Being home alone all the time just me and her is hard, especially because she is a very needy baby.  (I love her just to clarify)

I know a lot of people have worse circumstances and some people if in the exact same situation would handle it all easily. I thought I would be able to but for some reason it's super hard on me and it causes really bad anxiety. Which makes it worse because I get super frustrated at myself a lot.

This anxiety affects me in a lot of different ways that at times consume all my thoughts and feelings, some of those being that a lot of the time I feel like a horrible mother and wife, which I know is probably irrational but I can't control it. But doing the 100 days of happy was making it worse. If I was having a particularly difficult day as far as anxiety goes it would only be made worse when I would think I have to find something to post a picture of. My mind would start freaking out.

Here's what would go through my mind:
what if I can't find anything to be happy about my day? Olivia is a baby, she's cute, she should make me happy, but she won't take a nap, I just need a second. I wish she could just be OK for more than 5 minutes without me. Am I a bad mom? Probably. No you're fine. Just go run, running makes you happy. But I have to take the stroller, I just want to run by myself. I could go running by myself when John gets home. What time is it? John won't be home for like 5 hours. Plus when he's home I just want to spend time with him. What should I do? I need to do something.

And on and on. Usually I end up going on a walk with Olivia. Or cleaning while I try to keep her happy.

Anyway there are many things that make me happy everyday but having to have something was making the anxiety worse, making me feel like a bad mom/wife, and making me feel like my days were mediocre. So I can't do it anymore.

I don't really know what to do about the anxiety (and honestly a lot of it comes from nursing but that's one thing I don't want to change) but I know if something causes it that I can eliminate I'm going to. So no more days of happy challenge for me. Which is fine because I'm trying not to be on my phone all the time except in the morning before Olivia wakes up or if I need to look something up really quick.

It's the little things.

"It's the little things that count"

We have all heard that saying, probably countless times, but does it mean anything to us? When you really think about it, it is true. The little things are everything. 

I was reading this story today and this is how it ended....

"We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware- beautifully wrapped in what others might consider a small one." 

For some reason this quote really hit me.

When we first meet someone what are the stories we tell? The "great" ones. Or rather the ones we think they will see as great.

John and I are in a new place, meeting lots of new people. The stories we tend to tell a lot are how we met, started dating, and our wedding day, my horrific pregnancy, Olivia being born, and her being in the hospital.

Those are our "great" moments. But are they really?

While I love the story of how we started dating, how John proposed, our wedding, and when Olivia was born, and while my horrible sick pregnancy and her being in the hospital are big moments, they are just the beginning, they kicked things off, but those things are not why I love John or what makes me a mother.

When I think about when John and I started dating I think about Disneyland of course, that's kind of where it all really started. But what then comes to mind is walking into a halloween party after a night class and him pulling me down the hall to kiss me because he was so excited to see me. I think of him trying to surprise me and running into my room and doing a flip onto my bed only to kick my window out. I think of him throwing cards at me while playing California speed.

When I think about getting engaged, of course I think about the amazing way he proposed and how I was completely caught off guard because he made me think he didn't even had a ring. But then what comes to mind is the fact he had purchased the ring the day before I went to visit him for Christmas, months early. I think about coming back and telling my best friend and her running the short distance from her apartment down the street to where I was so excited. I think about our engagement photo session and all the fun we had just playing.

When I think about our wedding day, of course I think about the temple, about our ring ceremony, walking down the aisle with my mom, the food, and the first dance. But what really comes to mind is the fact the three months before John was on the other side of the country and I finally got to be with him. I think about setting up for the reception with my husband and all the help we got from a friend. I think about how amazed I was that not only could my mom sew an amazing dress, which I knew, but that should could arrange some pretty amazing bouquets.

When I think about Olivia being born I remember how awful pregnancy was for me and the moment she was born when they laid her on me. But I also remember only hours earlier walking up and down the stairs to the parking structure at the hospital, because I didn't feel like going in yet, and John making me laugh hysterically every time I had a contraction. I think of how excited John was when he held her for the first time. I remember looking over at them both sleeping and just being so happy. I remember the morning after our first night home with her and how exhausted and relieved we were that we made it. I think of how hard everything was and wondering if it would get easier. I remember when she finally slept on her own without having to lay on John or I.

When I think about her being in the hospital, of course I think about how scared we were. But I also think about how John's sister helped us pack while we were at the hospital. I think about once she was doing better watching John make funny noises and her smiling really big at him.

When I think about moving to Utah, yes I think about the fact there is no beach, that I am far away from family, and that I don't really have friends here yet. People ask so I think about how I am adjusting to Utah. But really, what I think about, is that this is our home for the next 3 or 4 years. I think about all the fun things Olivia is going to be able to do here. I think about growing as a family in the place we are now.

The big moments in our life are important, weddings, births, crisis', moves... but what really is important are all the moments in between. The small moments that bring joy and love, excitement, understanding, and accomplishment. Moments that probably mean nothing to anyone else but turn out to be your most prized possessions because those are the things that you will take with you throughout life no matter what changes or what hurdles there are to overcome.

Giggles

Last week John got Olivia to really giggle. Sadly I was in the bathroom so I didn't get to hear it.

Up until then she would kind of do this half giggle that she would choke on.

Last night we went over to Brianna's, John's older sister, for dinner. Brianna got Olivia to giggle and she just kept giggling. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. I don't know why I didn't record it.

Olivia is intense. That's how we described her when we first brought her home. It was what we would say when people asked if she was an easy baby. Her intensity has changed. It's not the same as when she was born. We figured out that she couldn't handle me eating dairy and eggs and we got her on antibiotics to keep any infections away from her bladder reflux. So she isn't constantly uncomfortable but still there is an intensity about her.

She let's us know when she is upset or doesn't like something. When she is happy she is super happy. She sleeps deeply, and eats fiercely. The wind and leafs fascinate her and she absolutely loves her daddy. She prefers to be held, and wants so badly to be able to eat real food and crawl.

I love my little girl. Sometimes her intensity is hard for me to handle but I wouldn't change a thing about her. I am so excited to walk her grow and learn and develop into this wonderful person. But for now I will enjoy my sweet little (intense) baby.

No dairy, no eggs

I mentioned in my breastfeeding awareness post that I can't have dairy or eggs because they don't sit well with Olivia. I thought I should talk a little bit more about that.

So for the first couple months Olivia was ALWAYS grumpy. If she wasn't eating or sleeping she was pretty much always screaming. It was worse at night but would last all day. So many would chalk this up to colic, so she would grow out of it by four months. Until then John and I would just have to sit helplessly by while our daughter seemed to be miserable.

I did not like the sound of that. I started reading, I looked up everything I could about babies screaming all the time. I read a lot about babies who are said to be colicky usually have stomach issues and probiotics can help a lot. So we started giving her probiotics and honestly it did help but she still screamed a lot and she still seemed miserable.

I kept reading, searching for something, and then I found it.  The breastfeeding elimination diet. Yes,  it is as awful as it sounds.  I read this whole thing how a lot of babies have issues with certain things the mom eats so this diet had you eliminate almost all food (seriously I think for two weeks all you could eat was organic, hormone free turkey breasts and nothing else) and then slowly introduce things back into your diet and see if baby has any reaction.

I did not want to do that so I went with the most common thing and eliminated that, dairy. At first it wasn't that bad but it's gotten really difficult, not because I desire to eat cheese or ice cream, or any other milk product. But because if I eat anywhere but home I have to worry about making sure there's nothing in the food I can't have. You have no Idea how much dairy is in food at restaurants until you can't have it. Also, eating at other people's houses or where others will be cooking is difficult. I don't want to sound snobby and request foods made with no milk, cheese, cream, butter, etc but I don't want to be rude and not eat the food prepared. Because eating the food is not an option.

Another difficult part is that unlike some things dairy does not take a few hours to leave our system, dairy can be in my system for up to two weeks. So if I slip up, super cranky, in pain baby for up to a few weeks.  Not cool. Not cool at all.

Also, I figured out eggs don't sit well with the girl.

It's hard sometimes and sometimes I miss cheese and sour cream (I'm a fanatic) or scrambled eggs but it's definitely worth having a happy baby.

So if anyone ever offers me food and it has dairy or eggs and I decline I'm not trying to be rude, I probably really wish I could eat it but I don't want to cause my baby girl pain and discomfort. So please don't take offense or take it personally, I really wish I could eat your (fill in with specific dairy filled offerings).

John Elliott Sellers

Little miss Olivia has had her whole life tracked up until now and I don't think I have said enough about the person who gave her the other half of her genes. (probably the better half)

John Elliott Sellers is my baby's daddy, my husband, the love of my life, and my best friend.

He is the best person I have ever known and I am so incredible lucky to have him by my side forever.

John is ambitious, hard working, opinionated, an adventurous cook, funny, and amazingly handsome. Some of these things drive other people crazy (especially when he gets in their kitchen) but I love all of these things about him.

I love that he randomly ran 6 miles, without training, to impress me. I love that he takes over in the kitchen no matter who is cooking. I love that he gets all nerdy with Android stuff.

John is an incredible person. He loves me, he loves our little girl, and I could and would never ask for a better person to spend forever with.

Urologist

Today was Olivia's appointment with the Urologist. It was really simple, straight forward, and quick.

He looked at the labs and he said it looked like she was a 3 and a 4, rather than a 4 and 5 like we were originally told.

He wants her to continue with the antibiotics for the next year. If she doesn't have any breakthrough infections, she will have more tests in a year to check if it's getting better on her own. If it's not getting any better or if she has breakthrough infections then we will talk about surgery. If it is looking like it is getting better then no surgery for her!

Also, we have to stop the antibiotics for a few days because she has been having diarrhea. So we need to figure out if that is what is causing it. If it is we will try a different kind of antibiotics to see if she does better with them.

Breastfeeding awareness month

August is breastfeeding awareness month. Since I am on my third month of my breastfeeding journey I thought I would share my experience.

It has not been the easiest of things for me.

While I was pregnant I heard so many people talk about how wonderful breastfeeding was and how it came so naturally and on the flip side I heard people talk about how it just didn't work, either they're milk never came in or they didn't make enough of it or their baby just wasn't having it.

I wanted to breastfeed. I was terrified it wouldn't work out for one reason or another but I wanted so badly to be able to do it for the following reasons.
1. My body was made to be able to feed my baby
2. It's the healthiest form of food for baby
3. It helps build a special bond
4. It helps you lose baby weight

Well, everything it was "supposed" to be was not what I experienced.

My body was made to breastfeed my baby

While this is definitely true and luckily I have had no issues with milk supply, it has not been the most natural thing for me. In the beginning Olivia had a horrible latch which lead to me crying every time she ate from pain and dreading her getting hungry which seemed to be every 30 minutes for the first while instead of every 2 to 3 hours like I was told. She is a big eater and even still eats more often than what they say she should for her age. That probably accounts for her being in the 87th percentile for height and weight.

It is the healthiest form of food for baby

Yes this is true.  Breastfed babies tend to get sick less often and have less chance of developing diabetes and obesity later in life.
Cut to Olivia screaming and crying between gulps and having extremely painful gas issues. This milk I make is supposed to be so good for her but it would end in serious struggle and lots of tears. I eventually learned that if I cut out all dairy and eggs she would be better and only sometimes struggle and cry during feedings. (but the ice cream! And mashed potatoes! And cheese! Yeah it sucks sometimes)

It helps build a special bond

I love Olivia. She is my baby, she is funny, and I wouldn't change her for anything but this love I have for her was not developed through feedings. In fact, a lot of night feedings give me anxiety and a few times I've been on the verge of panic attacks. I was asked by a friend if I had fallen asleep nursing yet and the truth is I have never felt relaxed while nursing and most of the time I have to do something to distract myself to keep the anxiety at bay. I don't dread feeding her anymore, and I wouldn't switch to formula or solely pump, even if the girl would take a bottle. But breastfeeding is not how I feel closer to Olivia.

The baby weight
It's gone. I lost all but 5 pounds by six weeks and now I'm down below my prepregnancy weight. I guess that is one upside to not being able to eat dairy ;)

This is my experience with breastfeeding. I guess I feel like there are all these expectations about what it should be, how amazing and natural it is. How it might be hard at the beginning but once you figure it out its the best thing ever but the truth is that's not how it is for everyone. I feel like all those expectations make it really hard on the moms, myself included, that struggle with it in one way or another. It makes it a whole lot easier to give up if it's not the amazing bonding experience that comes so naturally that it's suppose to be. For those mom's who have that experience I say you're the lucky ones. But to those who don't I say try your hardest and if it doesn't work you are no less than a mother. And if you keep going despite your struggles I am right there with you.

The Place I Now Call Home

A month. That's how long it's been since I've been in California. Utah is different and it's no California but it is still a beautiful place and I'm excited to be here.

To start look at these amazing sunsets! And no there are no filters or anything. This is how they looked!

I have taken so many pictures of sunsets it is ridiculous. But they are just so gorgeous! 

This is on the path I run. I can't wait till fall and all the leaves change colors! It is going to be awesome!

So John gets these emails about stuff that's going on it Utah County and Salt Lake County. A couple weeks ago there was a FREE concert in Salt Lake. It was Train, so we decided to go. The funny thing is the only song I thought I knew from train was that Marry Me song (I don't even know if that's what it is called). But it turns out I knew all the songs they played except like 3! 

John was SUPER excited because it was Olivia's first concert and he said it was like a rite of passage or something. 

These are just a couple pictures from when we went for some walks around our neighborhood. 

I am kind of obsessed with these mountains. 

This is our apartment!! (I dont know why I don't have a picture of our bedroom, but we have one I promise!)

Olivia's room!

So this is our "foster" dog. We live in the basement apartment of a house and the people that live upstairs have this dog. They told us anytime we want to take him on a walk or play with him we can, they even told us where the spare key for the house is in case they aren't home and Rocky, that's his name, is inside. 

Isn't he cute!

The other day we went up Provo Canyon and went on a walk. Seriously this state is gorgeous!

Today we went on a little walk around the Provo Temple grounds. 

Isn't the view amazing!!

And surprise we saw Hermana Sellers! (John's sister who is at the missionary training center before she leaves to Puebla, Mexico on a mission)

So Basically, I think I am beginning to love it here. I mean it is super different from California and I definitely miss everyone back home, but this place is gorgeous and these next three years are going to be awesome. Hard with having John in law school, but it's gonna be great. 

Oh and John got his first reading assignments already! He starts on the 20th! SO SOON!!

Also, we have an appointment with a urologist for Olivia next wednesday! 

Also, here is a picture of Olivia. She is getting SO big! She is in the 87th percentile for height and weight and the 47th for head size.