Thought Process

There are times when I feel like I should write a blog post but I either have NO idea what to write or simply have nothing to write about.

Usually when that happens I just don't write anything. BUT for some reason I have felt like I needed to write something all day so I am just going to see where this takes me.

Lately, I have had a lot on my mind. John has been trying to figure out what exactly he wants to do as far as post law school. While he does have three years to decide really he doesn't. The internships he does is the summers kind of determine where we will be and what he will be doing. While he can change his mind it does help a lot to have experience in the area you want to practice and have the connections with people and firms in that area. So we are trying to figure out where we want to live and what he wants to do.

While what he wants to do is probably the hardest part, and I can't really help much with that, where we want to end up... it is stressful to think about. While our family is in California, and a lot of his in Utah as well. We really don't see ourselves ending up in California and we definitely don't want to end up in Utah (it is beautiful and fun, but just not for us). Since we won't be in California we want to be somewhere close enough that we aren't super far from family, but we don't want to end up in the dessert (it's just too hot!). So most of Nevada and Arizona, New Mexico are out. John has talked a lot about Texas, the job market there is good and cost of living is low. But dude is gets HOT in the summer (or so we hear). Oregon and Washington are appealing to me, the west half at least, but I don't think that will happen.

Really we are at a loss, but within the next 6 months John will get an internship somewhere and that will probably decide our fate. We both really like the idea of being on the east coast for a few years right after law school and then moving back west. It works for me because my parents go out there usually at least once a year, sometimes twice, but I don't think we would ever see John's family unless we went back to California for the holidays.

Trying to figure out what we want, the type of place we could handle, and take into consideration seeing both our families is hard. But I guess we will end up where we need to be and will work out the logistics of family when the time comes.

On another note, I've been looking for some stay at home work. While it would be ideal for me to find something so we don't completely deplete our savings there is also a lot to consider. As of now Olivia won't take a bottle, the girl is stubborn, and that's ok. I want to be home with her, especially while she is a baby. I considered babysitting another child, that way I could have her with me, but I did a test run that was suppose to be a week long and it lasted one day. I got super anxious, I started stressing out, Olivia wouldn't eat or sleep, and when I left I had an anxiety attack. So that was bad. I've looked at work from home jobs but the ones that aren't a scam generally want a specific schedule and I really can't do that. Olivia is very needy and she definitely doesn't have a set schedule as far as napping goes. Again she is very stubborn, she definitely is going to be a very strong willed person, which I am so happy about but it makes it impossible to have a job where I sit down during a specific time each day and just work. So, although I generally look for something everyday we've accepted that this year we probably won't have that to rely on.

But next year when Olivia is older and is either no longer breastfeeding or at least not relying on it as her only food I do want to do something. I have figured out that being a stay at home mom is super hard. Besides the whole trying to take care of the baby, keep the house clean, and make dinner, and take a shower. It is hard to just be here, with just a baby and not feel like I am being productive. All through college I worked and went to school, I was busy. I always had something to do and I was around other people. Now I am alone most of the day, and now that I really think about it besides all the things that probably set my anxiety off (Olivia being in the hospital, moving, John in law school...) being at home and not feeling productive definitely add to it. Also, I want her to be around other kids her age, to help with her social development and so she gets used to being with other people besides me and John. So what could be better than for her to have that for a few hours during the day and me to have a job or something to give me more purpose while she is there.

But that is about a year away.

Back to me trying to have things to do during the day so I am not bored and to keep my anxiety to a minimum. At this point I go to the store a lot. So our grocery bill this month... ridiculous. I need something else. I was getting back into running but then I sprained my bad ankle really bad on a run, and then when I went to go run the other day, the tire on my jogging stroller is flat and I have to get a new one because it immediately deflates if I (meaning John) pump it up. I tried going to Target to get a replacement but they don't carry the right size. Boo. It seems like there is always something keeping me from running, it is getting annoying.

I wish I could volunteer for a non profit, I really love being apart of organizations with a cause but I can't seem to find one that would be ok with me volunteering with baby in tow. (Lame right?!?)

So for now John and I will keep discussing and try to figure out where we will end up, I'll keep searching for things to do, and I will keep trying to make running work! I think once I can get back into running for real things will be a lot better :)


P.S. I love John Elliott Sellers SO much! My anxiety gives me really bad, sometimes scary dreams, but he just loves me and laughs it off. Seriously I do not know what I would do without him.