Threenager

Since the day Olivia turned 3 she was full force "threenager". (It probably doesn't help that 10 days after she turned 3 we turned her world upside down with the addition of Evelyn.)
Everyone talks about "the terrible twos". It makes one think 2 must be noticeably harder than any other young child age. This is a lie. Two was cake compared with this dragon which is referred to as the threenager. The threenager is the emotional rollercoaster of a teenager trapped in the tiny body of a three year old, without the mental capacity to comprehend or describe all the emotions rushing through her. Since a 3 year old is undoubtedly smaller than a teenager, instead of these emotions running through 5-6 feet of a human before exploding out, they only have 3 feet before the explosion occurs and it is scary.
Now, my naive mind thought, "you studied child development, you worked at a child development center for several years, you can handle this". Again, so false. There is something about being the mother of a threenager that means you are the lighter fluid. Anything you do or do not do instantly makes everything worse.

Here's a few examples to better paint the picture.

Today we went to Trader Joe's. The whole family. Olivia was pushing the little cart. Part way through she ditched it so I started pushing it. When she realized I was pushing it she looked at me like I had betrayed her, stolen her favorite lipstick and lied about it. Then she came over pushed me out of the way, pushed the cart away, and made sure to look back and give me the dirtiest look I've gotten in a long time.

The other day she kept putting a blanket on Evelyn's head and then laying on her while she screamed. I told her if it happened again I would pick her up and move her away from Evie and she wouldn't get to play with her. We'll, of course 30 seconds later it happens again. So, I tell her to get off of Evie. She screams no. I walk over, pick Olivia up (she was on my bed with Evie) and put her out of my room and tell her she can do go play in the living room or her room, she can help me get ready and pick out my clothes for the day, but she was not allowed to get back on the bed. She screamed in my face, "I'm getting on your bed!” I told her if she did being in my room would no longer be a choice. Again she screamed in my face and tried to run past me. I picked her up and set her outside my room. She screams "don't touch me! Leave me alone!” and keeps trying to get in. I take her out to the living room and this is where she totally flips out. She starts hitting me and then she runs to the couch and starts throwing couch cushions saying "no pillows on the couch!" I walk away and she continues screaming and throwing couch cushions.

Often she yells things like "Just leave me alone!" Or she slams doors on me. It's pretty fantastic.

The other side of the whole threenager thing is that they can still be so sweet and so funny.

I was putting Evelyn down for the night and Olivia pops her head in and quietly says, "Hey, mom. Goodnight. I love you."

After she completes her complete breakdowns she usually comes to me and excitedly says, "Mom, I'm happy now!” and then goes on to tell me how she was sad/mad/frustrated/tired and that's why she screamed/yelled/hit and she's sorry. All on her own.

She says things like "What in the world is going on." Or puts random toys in the freezer because they need to "cool down".

Olivia is and always has been a pretty intense child. She feels all the feelings and they are big big feelings. Nothing anyone does or says during her meltdowns can calm her, everything only stirs the pot. She NEEDS to feel it all and then she is TOTALLY fine and over it.

I struggle during those moments but she is definitely such a fun girl that knows how to be a friend and show kindness to others.

And hopefully we'll figure out a better was to handle the big feelings that doesn't include the nuclear meltdowns before she reaches her teenage years.

Leftovers

Leftovers are THE best. Especially, leftover soup. Soup is almost always better the next day.

I honestly don't know what I would do without leftovers. Almost never eat lunch that's for sure, since probably 90% of my lunches are leftovers.

There are people in this world who do not/will not eat leftovers and I just can even comprehend that. Growing up most Sunday's were dubbed leftover night. We'd pull out everything from the week before, heat up our favorites and have a seriously mod podged dinner and it was the best. I have always loved it. How there's really no prep or waiting, you just heat and eat!

And on nights like tonight I'm doubley grateful for leftovers. I had a ton to do today, around the house and Thanksgiving prep. I didn't get nearly as much done as I wanted because I slipped going down our stairs in the morning and seriously tweaked out my back. I can barely move at the moment. So I was so happy when dinner rolled around and all I needed to do was reheat the soup I made last night.

I'm grateful for leftovers and my love of them!

It Takes a Village

I feel like I've been crazy busy this week and having to go to the store every day with prep for Thanksgiving. We decided last minute to stay home for Thanksgiving, I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for us and some friends and I keep forgetting things despite having a list.

Anyway, things have been a little chaotic, leaving me feeling a bit overwhelmed. It got me thinking about the whole "it takes a village" concept. I have always loved this concept, we talked about it a lot in my undergrad studies and at my job back then at IPCDC and I always felt like I really wanted to make sure my kids had a big village to support them.

Since moving to Utah when Olivia was just a few months old we haven't really had that. Our first school year here I really didn't make friends. We lived in a basement apartment, we were one of the only couples at church that had been married longer than a month let alone had a child, and my postpartum anxiety made it really hard for me to go out. Then we went to Texas and we were living out in the middle of no where and I didn't have a car. Our 2nd and 3rd year were better. Being in the married student housing with all the other Mama's around was great. Though we knew it was temporary so it made it hard to be all in.

Now we live in Salt Lake County, we have a few friends and family in Utah County, and friends in Davis county. And while we have some friendish type people at church here we really don't have anyone that are "our people" close geographically.

So, I think about the village concept and get a little sad that our village is so limited by number but mostly distance. The last few weeks, however, my judgement on who is considered our village has changed.

We were at Costco going through the Christmas pajamas. The pile was a mess and it was hard to find sizes. A woman was next to me looking for a 2t and couldn't find the size so she settled for 24mo. A minute late I found a 2t and luckily she hadn't gone far so I had John run it over to her while I kept looking for Evie's size. She came over to return the 24mo and was so grateful. That day I was in her village.

The other day at Sprouts I went to check out and had a full cart, this woman in front of me had like 3 things in her cart and insisted I go ahead of her. She then proceeded to help me load my stuff onto the belt (I had both girls with me). That day, that woman was in my village.

While Olivia was at preschool I was at Costco. It was SO windy that day. I had Evie in the carrier I was trying to get the food in my trunk but the door kept closing on me and the cart kept rolling away. This man came over and held the cart and then returned the cart for me. That day, that man was in my village.

It hit me that though our village may seem sparse it is not. There are people all around that are our helpers. Some may be more permanent and consistent, some we may only know their names, others we may never see again but our village is great, our village is more than we can see, more than we can feel sometimes.

So, today I am grateful for my village. The village that happens in person with friends and strangers, the village through texts and calls, Instagram and Facebook. I'm grateful for the reminder to join in, get outside of myself, and be the village for those around me.

Lightning Tidier

Is tidier (someone who makes things tidy) even a word? Well, if it is not, it is now. ;)

I am FOR SURE not the tidiest person in the world. John can attest to this one but he probably isn't any better than me either. With that said our home is definitely not dirty.

Are there toys everywhere most day? Of course, we have a 3 year old. Is there laundry to do, laundry to be folded and put away almost constantly? Absolutely, I HATE doing laundry. Are there dishes in the sink (on the counters, on the table)? Endlessly!

It used to (and still does on occasion) REALLY bother me that I could not keep our house spotless. Then I realized a couple things. The toys everywhere means that we are having fun. The plethora of laundry to be done and put away means I am choosing more time with my girls. The ridiculous amount of dishes that accumulate every single days shows that I am making most of our meals from scratch. All of it are signs that we are living, that we are spending time with each other, and choosing time over our home looking picture perfect all of the time.

So, for that I am grateful.

But what I am also grateful for is my ability to tidy things up super quickly. I (and John) can go through our home, no matter how much of a disaster is may be and make every room completely presentable and not embarrassing in a very short amount of time. For example, today. Seriously, every room was crazy. But I just spent the last hour and a half tidying up. This including sweeping the kitchen, unloading and loading the dish washer, washing all the pots/pans, wiping down the counters, picking up all of the toys and all of Olivia's clothing changes from the last couple days  that were strewn about the house, put away two loads of laundry, put another load in, organized and wiped down our bathroom, and even made our bed! In an hour to an hour an a half.

Now I can relax, and enjoy our home without feeling stressed out about the mess everywhere... you know until I wake up tomorrow and it looked like none of that tidying had ever been done. ;)

Gratitude challenge

I have decided since it is November, and the focus of the month always tends to be gratitude, to give myself a gratitude challenge. Most days this month I want to do a blog post centered around something I am grateful for. To make it even more interesting I want to mostly focus on things I am grateful about myself, as a little personal development project of sorts. We'll see if I can come up with new things most days of the week.

I love to cook

Confession time. The first year and half after John and I got married I prepared significantly less meals than John did. Part of this was because I worked late and had I been the one to cook we would have been eating late. Another reason was that John loves to cook. The bigger reason was that more often than I would like to admit when I would make dinner it would end with me in tears feeling extremely inadequate in the chef department. Did John always eat the food I made? Yes. I don't remember a single time he deemed dinner inedible. Did he tell me I was the worst cook ever? Never. Not once. Though he did encourage me saying with time I would get better. Did I believe him? Nope. Was it true? Absolutely!

Today, most of the meals I make turn out well. I most definitely still have meals turn out pretty awful and maybe it is because we have been married for almost 5 years and we tend to be a little more blunt with one another, or perhaps my confidence in my cooking abilities is far greater than it was back then so he knows I won't burst into tears (unless I have low blood sugar), but John definitely lets me know when dinner is unappetizing. 

I now absolutely love cooking. Now that doesn't mean that I find joy in every meal I make or don't go through times when cooking feels like nothing but a chore. It does mean that I happily choose to prepare a meal that takes all day to make. It means I almost exclusively make my meals from scratch, even more so now with all of Evelyn's allergies (thank you corn and your derivatives being in EVERYTHING).  

It means I am always looking for new meals to try and often rediscover old favorites that have been long forgotten. 

I sometimes feel like I don't have hobbies. That everything that I do is part of the mom job. The truth is, the "mom job" has helped me discover who I am, what I love, and many of my future goals. Cooking is one of those things that because of Olivia's dairy allergy and all of Evelyn's allergies I have been pushed to be more creative and I am so grateful for that!

Minimalism

I have been really into minimalism for as long as I can remember.

When my parents got divorced when I was 8, my dad got a small 2 bedroom apartment. My mom moved into a small 2 bedroom apartment with my Gramma. My little brother and I went back and forth between the two. At my dad's, being the girl, I had my own room and my brother and dad shared a room. At my mom's my Gramma and her dog got one room, my mom, brother and I shared a room.
Before this we lived in a comparably large house. We each had our own room, a big backyard, and lots of other space. I remember having so many toys in my room and my brother in his. I remember our patio in the backyard filled with lots of outdoor toys.
You can imagine the downsizing that was done when we moved and divided.
I don't share this as a story of pity, because I was always a pretty happy and content kid, but rather to explain where my minimalistic nature was born. Since I clearly could not drag things back and forth between homes everyday/week little of the "stuff" I did have I had any real attachment to. Which was seriously great.
When the time came for me to move out for college into a small dorm room deciding what to bring was easy. Throughout my 5 years in college I moved a lot, I lived in 6 different places before I got married. And I could literally fit all of my belongings, including my bed, in my car. (I had a SUV). Every time I moved, I downsized and got rid of things I didn't use. While I absolutely hate moving, I love the opportunity it gives me to "declutter".
Luckily, my amazing husband had the same quality and all of his stuff also could fit in his car. Since we have married, almost five year, we have moved 7 times. Every time we move we get rid of a lot. Actually, when we moved out of our first place to move to Utah we basically got rid of everything. We downsized to one car, we filled it and a part of a tiny trailer and the rest we gave away. We have always lived in tiny places and so keeping our stuff to a minimum was a must and fairly easy to do.
We now live in a much larger space with LOTS of storage space. We've done ok job of keeping the stuff to a minimum but there are times we both have little freak outs that we have too much and go through and get rid of the excess.
Lately, I've been overwhelmed in our home. Not that we have too much stuff, though we have gathered some excess to donate lately, but rather because of all the space our home isn't as organized as I'd like. There are lots of places to just put things. Our bedroom was feeling overwhelming especially. In our bedroom we have a night stand, a king sized bed, crib, small drawer rack for baby things, dresser, and a "TV" with a moveable TV stand. (The TV is just a monitor we use with a Roku to watch Netflix). Our bedroom is pretty big and has a vaulted ceiling so you would think I wouldn't feel this way but I just like things really open and most of the space was being used. Our dresser was broken so we went to Ikea to find a new one.
Trigger the minimalistic nature in me. I didn't want a new dresser. I didn't want to fix the old one, I just wanted to get rid of it. How do you not have a dresser? Socks. Underwear. Ect. So, John and I brainstormed what we could do.
We left Ikea empty handed.
A few days later we went back and purchased 6 bins. Remember how I said we have lots of storage space in our home right now? Our bedroom closet has a ton of shelves. So, we ditched the dresser and we are utilizing that space in a more organized way. 

I know it probably seems silly, but it makes me so happy!

I was listening to this podcast on minimalism the other day and she was telling this story about her friend talking about her home and kind of teasing her that her house was like a museum. Besides the necessities, her home has no clutter or extras. It sparked something inside of me and I have been getting rid of clothes I don't wear and making plans for how John and I will spend our next few Saturdays.

There really is no point to this post besides that I'm weird and love getting rid of stuff and my husband is AMAZING and went along with my crazy idea to ditch the dresser. I'm so grateful "stuff" doesn't have control over my life. 

Anxiety

Anxiety. Ask me 10 years ago, as a 17 year old if I had ever felt it and I would have told you no. Ask me 5 years ago, as an engaged, almost college graduate if I had ever felt anxiety and I would have told you no. I may have said that I have been stressed, I've had struggles, but never have I experienced anxiety.

Now this isn't true. I can tell you today that I had most definitely experienced anxiety. I can even look back and remember specific moments that I felt anxiety. The problem is anxiety had this stigma to me, to many I'm sure, and this narrow definition of basically someone who had panic attacks. It meant something was wrong with you. It meant you weren't emotionally stable. These were my subconscious thoughts on the matter back then.

Fast forward to after Olivia was born and we had moved to Utah. New baby, new life, new home, away from friends, family, familiarity, and the start of a new phase in life. I started experiencing intense anxiety, though I didn't know that's what is was when it first started. I just knew something was wrong and I definitely wasn't ok. Then I started having panic attacks. I remember the first one I had. I was nursing Olivia for almost an hour trying my hardest to just get her to fall asleep. The second I got her to sleep I walked straight through the living room muttered to John I couldn't breathe and had to go outside and went straight outside. I couldn't seem to catch my breath and I felt super panicky. The fresh cold air felt good. I walked around awhile till I felt I could kind of breathe again and went back inside. I still didn't feel ok but I could breathe. At the time I hated it, I thought something was wrong with me, I felt lost, had no idea how to fix myself, and could barely barely talk to John about how I was feeling let alone anyone else. It made it really hard for me to connect with people and the isolation seemed to make it so much worse.

Time went on and the constant intensity of it passed. Over the last few years I have had moments/days where I feel the intensity creeping back in. I haven't had a panic attack since Olivia was a baby but I've had bouts every so often where I can feel myself getting close to having one.

Anxiety is a funny thing. The more you see it as a problem and try to fix it the worse it becomes. Trying to fix it just gives you anxiety or about having it or not knowing what to do and it's almost cyclical. Perhaps because often you can't describe exactly what you are feeling or why and that is frustrating.

Recently I realized I experience anxiety a lot more than I would like the admit. I used to say it was triggered by the stress of Olivia's first few months, her dairy allergy, colic, and hospital admittance, as well as moving in the midst of all that to a different state. The truth is, I've had it for as long as I can remember I just didn't realize that's what it was. I have an overall social anxiety and certain situations I feel it worse than others.

The last month or two, it's become way more frequent. Postpartum is definitely a trigger for me. This time around it isn't as bad, at least not yet, but it is becoming more constant and it's rough. Though recognizing anxiety is what this is has helped me a ton in itself. Having anxiety is not something easily described. It's not something I feel like I can fix. Defining it, labeling it makes it easier to live with, easier to move forward despite it's embrace but I'm not sure it's something I would ever be able to fully escape. Manage yes; overcome, I don't think so. It's how my brain reacts to stress. And it's definitely not something I can just "get over" or "ignore".

So, how do I combat stress? Being in nature or even just outside helps a ton. Going on a run helps. Listening to calming music. Taking in the moment seems to be the key, at least for me. But I'm not an expert, and most of the time it's just waiting, hoping for it to pass.

I decided to write this because anxiety and it's friends depression have huge stigmas. People do not talk openly about them. Why though? Whether someone has chronic anxiety and/or depression or situational, we all have or will experience both in our lives and if we talk about it when it happens we won't feel so broken from it. We won't feel so isolated.

Meant to be

I've had something on my mind a lot lately. I've been wanting to write about it but I'm not sure how to get it all out coherently. So, this is my disclaimer. Bear with me for a sec.

Right now life is a little crazy. John has had a few things at work that are keeping him a little late and his calling at church takes up a lot of time. It's nothing new not having him around a ton. Since we moved to Utah for law school 3.5 years ago this has been our lives. Between the first year of law school overload, second year with all the extracurricular and being in a bishopric, third year with school, work, and extracurricular, and then work and studying for the bar we for sure have accustomed our life to enjoying the time we have together no matter how limited that may be.

The other night John was gone late so Olivia, Evelyn and I went on a walk after dinner. It was warm, the sun was setting, and the fall colors were gorgeous. It got me reminiscing on all the different places we have lived the last few years and all the different views we've had on our walks. Going on walks quickly became a thing to pass the time while John was away and I was alone with a baby. Being away from family and friends was hard and I definitely felt very alone those first few years after we moved to Utah.

My mind jumped to now. We made it through law school, now there are the two girls and John is still insanely busy. Those years in law school I always looked to the future, yearned for the future when school would be done and I'd finally have my husband back. Gratefully, my perspective has changed.

Now, though I often struggle with longs days just me and the girls and I pass them off the moment he gets home or put them to bed early on John's really late nights, I no longer am waiting for the day it changes. I no longer feel the same loneliness. I no longer wish desperately we could go back to the days of just the two of us working together and spending every moment together or try to figure out any way we can move back home to where friends and family are.

Now I can't say I don't miss those things sometimes, or often, but it's no longer a feeling of desperation,more nostalgia. But I digress.

As we were on that fall walk and I reminisced about the many walks over the past few years that did not include John, I felt overwhelmingly grateful. Grateful to live in areas that it was safe to go on those walks, grateful for the beauty around me, grateful for the memories with Olivia and now Evelyn. But more I was grateful for my husband. Yes he may have any responsibilities that take him away from us but boy am I grateful for that. How lucky am I to have a husband who is hardworking and trustworthy. How lucky am I to have a husband who, when given a responsibility, gives his all and aims for success. How lucky am I that I have a husband who is so busy and still takes the time to play with our girls, pick up the house, and hang out with me in the evenings.

Our life together is going to get more and more busy. It wouldn't be wise of me to wish away the time now in hopes of a time in the future where we go back to less busy days.  That's not how life works, there's always going to be more, it seems it grows exponentially as time goes on. Today, here, this is the best day, tomorrow the new best day, and so it will continue. Life may get insanely difficult, even seemingly impossible at times, but the present moment is always the best. Wishing that away is a foolish trick we do to ourselves. Likewise, today is better than yesterday, or last month, year. The past is just that, it can't be relived, so it's impossible to be better than the present moment.

It's funny to imagine if I were to go back 10 years and think about what I wanted for my life. Would it be better than what I have now? I don't think so. Life has a funny way of taking our dreams and giving us back something we could never have imagined. If we choose to embrace it, it most often turns out for the better.

Like I said at the beginning, I wasn't sure exactly how to write this or where this would take me but I hope my ramblings make some sort of sense.

As a side note. Today marks 6 years since the day John and I became bf/gf and you better believe I went back and read my post from a few years ago when I wrote out our story and I CANNOT believe how gutsy I was with John. (Here's the link to that. https://thebabysellers.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-making-of.html) It totally was not like me to be so willing to put myself in potentially super embarrassing situations. Goes to show you he was definitely the guy for me. Boy do I love him.

Choose to be Happy

Lately, I have been listening to a lot of podcasts and reading books about the science of happiness, positivity, and optimism.

Did you know happiness is a science? It seems so crazy when you say that but when you really think about happiness, what it entails and how we achieve it, it is easy to understand why it is a science.
I have been intrigued by this science recently because I have been struggling "finding" happiness in the day to day routine, finding ways to be positive in light of disasters that seem to be coming back to back and the choices of our country's leaders, and being optimistic in the future. That last one isn't about my future with my family, but rather the future of the world we live in.

All of this uncertainty led me to want to discover what truly drives happiness, positivity, and optimism in our brain. By nature I am a researcher, when I have questions or concerns I generally search until I come up with the answers that resonate best with me.

This morning, as I was listening to a particular podcast, a memory popped into my head. This memory is from high school, I believe my junior or senior year. I had this friend that while he could have fun and enjoy himself he truly believed that an overall state of happiness was not possible "for someone like him". To this day I am not sure what he meant by that. I believe to a core that we are all deserving for happiness to be our natural state. Circumstances will arise that feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, guilt, ect will be appropriate and will drive us through these situations, but at the end of the day our life should be happy. Getting back to my memory. My friend would say things like, "why are you always happy", or "how are you always happy". The response I gave him was always the same, "happiness is a choice". He would then say, "well, my life isn't perfect like yours". Most of the time I brushed that reply off. One day, it really got to me and I kind of exploded at him. My life was definitely not "perfect". I did not grow up in the picture perfect family. My parents had divorced when I was young, as a result our home was sold and we moved to two tiny apartments, I was split between my parents, we did not have a lot of money, I had experienced deaths of loved ones, and I could go on. I told him all this to show my life was not perfect, no one's life is perfect. Then I told him that the circumstances we live do not create our happiness. Happiness is something we choose despite those things.

How funny that as a teenager I was so aware of that. I knew happiness was a choice and I chose it daily. The podcasts and books I have been reading basically all agree on that, we choose. The circumstances of our life do not determine our happiness, or whether or not we have the ability to be positive or optimistic. We choose. We choose how we will react to the cards we are dealt. The poorest person in the world, the richest person in the world, those with many friends, few friends and no friends, married, divorced, perpetually single, children or not, dream job or not, all have the same capacity to feel happiness.

We are in control of our own feelings. Our feelings are our brain reacting to a situation, we are in complete control over how we react to a situation. Now of course it is completely appropriate and normal not to be happy all of the time. We need to feel sadness, anger, stress. We need to be able to experience the full range of emotions to work through situations, to grow and learn from our experiences, but we do not have to allow those feelings to control our life. We do not have to allow our life to be anything we don't want it to be. It is completely up to us how we choose to see our life.

I kind of went on a tangent there but I guess what I'm trying to say is this life is ours. Happiness, positivity, and optimism is ours to have if we train our brain to react that way. Life happens, life is not perfect, perfection does not equal happiness, choice does.

How we all choose to get there will look different but it all starts with the decision to be a happy person. I love that. I love that it is my choice and no matter what happens in this life, no matters the choices others make that may or may not determine what occurs in my life, it is always my choice to be happy, positive, and optimistic.

So, today I choose happiness because I can.

Settling into life as a family of 4

Evelyn is 3 months old now, where in the world did the last 3 months go???

This transition from one child to two, from a family of 3 to a family of 4, has been a crazy roller coaster and harder than I expected. (And I was expecting it to be pretty difficult). Olivia has had a hard time with not having me all to herself. She absolutely LOVES Evie but she takes her love a little far sometimes and I have to help her be soft or just take a break from touching Evie. She constantly tries laying on her, picking her up, pinching her (why???), and just loving her almost to death, It's pretty intense. Which is exactly how we have always described her so I guess I should have expected as much.

Even though it's a battle on a daily basis Olivia truly loves her and Olivia is the only one who has made Evie truly laugh so far. They are going to be the best of friends.

Evelyn is a dream baby. She really doesn't cry unless she is STARVING or she has a poopy diaper. She is happy all of the time and is oh so very patient with her big sister.

The only thing that makes her a "difficult" baby is the fact that she seems to be allergic to almost everything I eat. She started having the symptoms of foods allergies around a months old. The painful gas, spitting up more, and mucousy diapers. I had been avoiding dairy in case she had the allergy like Olivia but I realized that something I had been eating fairly often had dairy in it. So, I stopped eating that, but her symptoms continued and even got worse. She broke out with a crazy rash on her face and she started having spots of eczema.

I decided to cut out wheat and eggs because those caused Olivia some issues from a few months as a baby. It helped a little but still she was having problems. So, I went cut out the top 8 allergens and chocolate because John had issues with chocolate as a baby. Things seemed to get a ton better for awhile and then all of a sudden it got worse again. She had been congested for weeks on top of all the other symptoms and her ped thought it could be allergy related, but put her on some anti reflux medications to try and stop the reflux she was having to see if it got better. Well, her symptoms got even worse. What it came down to was that she is most likely allergic to corn. Corn was the only new food I had eaten, then she got put on the meds and there is apparently a ton of corn in it, so I stopped that immediately and she got TONS better. Since she was better I decided to try a couple foods one at a time to see if I could add anything back into my diet. (Oh and I had previously tested egg and it made her symptoms SO much worse, so eggs are an issue for sure). I testes chocolate first and that seemed to be ok, but then not so much, so chocolate is out again. Then I tried almonds, and she broke out in hives, got painful gas, more eczema, and crazy mucous diapers. So, almonds are another big problem. I'm still not 100% sure about the chocolate but I'm not going to test it again for awhile.

So far, we have confirmed that eggs, corn, and almonds cause some major issues, chocolate possibly is a problem. Beside those, I'm also not eating wheat/gluten, soy, dairy, nuts, peanuts, or fish. We have an appointment with an allergist the end of September and will hopefully be able to get her tested so we have a better look at what is going on. Until then I will continue to avoid top 8 +corn+ chocolate and hope we don't discover more problem foods.

Other than the allergies, Evie is a dream. Her doctor was concerned that she had congenital hip dysplasia and sent us for an ultrasound. Her ultrasound looked normal so that's all clear.

I love my crazy little family!

Overdue

40+5 weeks.
I am almost a week overdue. Which was super unexpected. With Olivia I was a few days early so obviously we (and everyone else) thought​ I would go early again. Everything has been good with baby and I've been feeling good these last few weeks, so now it really is just a waiting game.

Some have asked when, or if, I'm going to induce. The answer is I'm not. If baby holds out till 42 weeks then we'll go from there but I'm healthy, baby is healthy and we want baby to come when baby is ready. (Even if that means birthing a 10lb baby).

I know everyone is super eager, especially since we didn't find out baby's gender and we are too. Baby will come. And we will let everyone know, I promise. We are also trying to use our time to enjoy the time we have left as a family of 3.

For now, yes I am still pregnant. No I will not be inducing. And that will be the answer till we announce baby has arrived.

We're ready for you.

5 days until Olivia is 3, John graduates, and I have reached my due date.

Any day baby could come, or it could still be a couple weeks until we meet the newest member of our family.
Secretly we are hoping baby waits till the due date, at least. I would REALLY like to be able to be at John's graduation.
Also, I have been absolutely terrified at the thought of leaving Olivia while I deliver/recover at the hospital, and how the transition to 2 will go. So, baby taking some time is a-ok with me. Of course, I'd love to not be preggo anymore, but if staying pregnant meant more time I could deal. This is how I have felt up until today.

Today, today I am ready. Ready emotionally, finally. Olivia and I watched this beautiful birth video today. Olivia giggled and was super excited and cuddly through the whole thing. I have no doubt that though the transition will most likely be hard, Olivia will be an amazing big sister. She will love the baby and we will still be able to have mommy and Olivia time. And somehow I will survive not sleeping between a toddler who doesn't nap and has nightmares, and a newborn.

So, baby if you choose to come after graduation that would be fantastic, but if you come in the next few days mommy won't have a melt down.

We are ready for you little one.

38 weeks

38 weeks. I'm not going to lie this pregnancy has been SO long for me. It was definitely harder than Olivia's and I feel like every time some symptom would get almost better a new worse one would start up.
Usually the end of pregnancy is when people are just done and feel run down. I can honestly say right now I feel the best I've felt I think my entire pregnancy.
Yes, I have insomnia.
Yes, baby head butts my cervix and it feels like a knife.
Yes, it's hard to get comfortable.
And of course I'm ready to have my body back but I don't feel​ like things are unmanageable.

Lately, people have started asking if we are excited to have a newborn again. I really don't know how to respond to people because honestly I'm terrified.
The newborn stage with Olivia was so hard, terrifying, and one of the worst times in my life.
Between the pain of breastfeeding, Olivia eating every 30 minutes, screaming ALL the time, figuring out her dairy allergy, her getting sick, being told we were awful parents by the ER nurse, her getting sicker and being admitted, drs saying she may die, and then finding out about her kidney defect, it was horrible.

(All that in the first 6 weeks of her life and the hospital literally the weekend before we moved to Utah, my first time living more than 30 minutes from my home town).

I think I'm a bit traumatized by it all. I know that this is a different baby and most likely we won't experience the same things but the fear is still there. So, if I seem overly protective of our baby know that it's nothing personal.

We are excited for baby and are crossing our fingers the big day can wait until the due date so I can be at John's graduation the day before!

Evelyn Rae's birth story

I'm sitting in the hospital, my newborn baby just finished nursing and is fast asleep in my arms,now is probably the best time to write out her birth story. It's still fresh in my mind and I haven't distractions, just time.

As everyone knows, my due date came and went with no sign of baby coming. It was nice because I was able to go to John's graduation and we could celebrate Olivia's birthday. Though after a few days, then a week past we were starting to get anxious!

Olivia was born a few days early, so of course we expected the same. I reached the point that I needed to go in twice a week to get a non stress test done to make sure baby was still ok. Baby barely failed the first one, so I was sent to get an ultrasound and everything was good.

A few days later (May 8th, 41 weeks, 2 days) I went in for the next one. Baby did great! I hadn't been checked so I asked to be, I was dilated to a 5! (I dilated before labor with Olivia as well). So, I was hoping baby would arrive before the weekend.

I spent the rest of the day with Olivia and my parents. We went to Costco and then went home and just chilled. I was having contractions all day but they weren't consistent or getting painful so I figured my body was just continuing to prepare. (I had been having contractions off and on for a week or so).

John got home and we went to dinner at this yummy Greek place. Side note, driving there it started hailing the size of grapes! Our windshield has tiny chips all over it now.

After dinner we went home, put Olivia to sleep and chilled. John and I watched an episode of Parks and Rec and went to bed close to 10:30. At this point I still didn't think it would happen until at least the next day or two. 

Then the fun started. My contractions started to be uncomfortable and I realized they were coming fairly quickly. At 10:49 I timed my first contraction, they were about 3 minutes apart. At 11:08 I got up to pee thinking maybe that's why it was uncomfortable. I had a few more contractions and then woke John up and said I thought it was time to go.

This is where it started getting a little crazy. We changed and packed the last minute stuff, with contractions in between. John was amazing and every time a contraction hit he would come push on my lower back until it ended. Before we left John gave me the best blessing and the next contraction held off till he was done.

We went down to get in the car and tell my parents we were leaving and that's when I had my first really bad contraction. I had 1 or 2 more before I could get in the car.

We left our house at 11:44. The car ride to the hospital was awful! It's like a 10-15 minute drive, and I had 4 or 5 contractions. I was sitting in the front and that was so uncomfortable I just wanted to be on my hands and knees.

I honestly started to think we weren't going to make it.
We pulled up to the hospital and got buzzed in. We barely made it into the elevator before another contraction hit and I immediately went down to hands and knees.

When the doors opened I literally crawled out because my contraction was still going and I honestly thought if the doors closed our baby would be born in the elevator. (Wouldn't that have been fun).

As soon as the contraction ended a nurse was already there beside me and helping me up and to my room. I had a contraction in the hallway, then as soon as I got in the room, and I think with the next contraction I was pushing. (John was so great this whole time! He was encouraging me and would push on my back during contractions and in between pushing massage my shoulders. He was the best support!) My water broke, and a few pushes later baby was out, at 12:11am May 9th. (An hour and 22 minutes from when I started timing contractions to birth, less than 30 minutes from first hard contraction to birth).

I immediately had her skin to skin and no one saw if baby was a boy or girl. It was a little tricky because I gave birth on my knees leaning over the bed so I was trying to figure out how to flip over while holding baby still attached to me. John was finally able to see and announced we had a girl! It didn't really register immediately because I was a little bit in shock with how​ fast everything happened. But we are so happy we don't have to figure out a boy name!

It was seriously so insane! I went to sleep thinking I'd be pregnant a few more days. And then in a flash, our baby arrived. No pain meds, no interventions, exactly what I wanted. 😊

6 more weeks

I posted a blog when I had 6 weeks left with Olivia and it's funny to see the differences in how I was feeling then compared to this time.

I feel like my biggest complaints were my belly (how big it was and how hard it made things), hip pain (especially while sleeping), and peeing all the time.

This time though my belly is big, and I'm pretty sure bigger than last time I haven't reached the point where I feel like it's always in the way or makes rolling over in bed more difficult. Deciding what to wear, now that's a different story.

Hip pain, I don't really have. Between going to the chiropractor regularly, having a new comfortable bed, and my awesome pregnancy pillow that John bought me, hip pain isn't really a problem which is super awesome!

The peeing, well let's just say sometimes I go like 6 times in an hour.

With Olivia, I was ready to be done and so so excited to have a baby.

Now, I'm ready to be done for sure, for different reasons, but I'm also just wanting my time with my little family to last forever before we add another little person to the mix.

Right now I'm ready to be done because this pregnancy has been way worse than Olivia's and I swear every week or two there is something new that makes me NEVER want to be pregnant again. First it was the awful morning sickness that lasted longer than with Olivia, which turned to nausea that lasted well past Christmas and that I still deal with, just not as regularly. Figuring out sugar makes me SUPER sick, then I finally add dairy back into my diet after not having it for 2.5 years only to realize it makes me sick as well. Then I had a weekend of bleeding, which was scary. The worst hemorrhoids ever (yeah fun stuff), and now... I pulled a muscle in my back. And it kills and I can't lift anything, walk very much, or get into a position that doesn't leave it aching. So, while in general, physically, I feel so much better than with Olivia, most likely due to the chiropractor and working out more consistently. I'm ready to fast forward and have this pregnancy over with.

6 weeks, give or take of course, and we will be a family of four. We will know if Olivia has a little brother or sister. 6 weeks and we begin again figuring out our new little person and how he or she fits into our family. 6 weeks. It's going to fly by. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time, because this time I know how hard having a baby can be and now I have to do it with a 3 year old in tow. Luckily, Olivia loves baby's.

7 weeks!

I am 33 weeks. 7 weeks till baby's due date. Baby could come, safely, as early as 5 weeks and as late as 9-10 weeks. Let's hope for my sanity, and John's and Olivia's that it's between 5 and 7 weeks. 😉

By now with Olivia my hips were in pain all of the time, especially when sleeping and I was just uncomfortable and feeling huge. While I do feel huge, I'm not having any hip pain! Which I attribute to me going to the chiropractor regularly since about 16 weeks, our new comfy bed, and the pregnancy pillow John bought for me. Although I am tired in the evenings for sure I still have lots of energy and feel pretty good during the day, I attribute that to eating SO much better than with Olivia, exercising regularly, and being distracted by Olivia.

In those ways this pregnancy has been better, but man the random pregnancy things that effect some and not others.... Those are just one after another. It seems as soon as one passes or I just get used to that being apart or life a new horrible in it's own way symptom begins. By the end of this I may end up having every awful pregnancy symptom there is (not actually because there are a ton, but some days it feels that way).

Moving on from my complaining 😉
Olivia (along with pretty much everyone else that knows me) is sure we are having a boy. It used to be a toss up whether she would say baby is a boy or girl, now it is ALWAYS boy or brother. I on the other hand, no idea! This pregnancy has been so different and similar at the same time, but I'm also older, eating better consistently, chasing after a toddler rather than sitting at a desk, and living in a different state. All of those things could effect my pregnancy and doesn't necessarily mean different gender. I want to say I think it is a girl, mostly to contradict everyone else, but I don't have a feeling either way.

We've been talking a lot about when I go into labor. It's going to be so interesting how it all unfolds. John could be in a final or have to go to a final when it happens and in that case he will miss it. He could miss a lot of the labor but be there for the birth, or hopefully it lands on a day he is working or the weekend and he'll be with me the whole time. We'll see!

The other crazy thing about only having 7 weeks left means, only 7 weeks till Olivia is THREE! How did that happen?
Also, only 7 weeks till law school is over. I cannot believe how fast it went by and how blessed we have been throughout and with the job John has.

Life is crazy and busy and I'm loving having my little family to experience it with.

Allergy mom

Sometimes I really hate that I am a allergy mom.

Olivia is allergic to dairy (not lactose intolerant). She cannot have anything containing milk (in any form), whey, casein, butter, cheese, yogurt, sour cream, ECT.

In large quantities it makes her throw up for days, her stomach aches, and would cause the WORST diaper rashes ever.

As she has gotten older I feel like she's not as sensitive. As a baby if I had one goldfish and nursed her, hours later she would be vomiting.

Now, if she eats one goldfish it won't cause vomiting. But still we don't let her have ANYTHING with dairy. Because we don't know the threshold for how much won't cause vomiting, because small amounts cause stomach aches, and not so great behavior.

I don't mind, because in general I feel like it helps all of us eat healthier.

Times like last night are when it sucks.

Olivia LOVES chocolate, dark chocolate since she obviously can't have milk. We buy these specific dark chocolate chips because they don't contain any dairy (most dark chocolate has a small amount of dairy) and occasionally special dark chocolate bars that don't have any dairy.

I bought John some heart shaped Dove dark chocolates yesterday, because the quotes are cute. Olivia saw them, that it was chocolate and wanted some. I figured one would be fine. Well, over the course of the day she ended up having 6 or 7. Last night she woke up with her stomach hurting so much. She woke up this morning with a rash on her face, and man has she been making some really bad choices today.

It's seriously not worth it. It's not worth her not sleeping well because she's in pain. It's not worth her face being itchy, and it's not worth the behavior. I am a firm behavior that diet effects behavior. Lots of junk and sugar and kids behave worse than normal. Give them something they have a sensitivity to, even if it is something healthy, and they behave worse than normal.

No thanks.

Here's hoping the dairy passes through her system quickly and my funny, helpful, kind girl returns.

Fears

I've been thinking a lot about fears lately, how they govern my life, how I perceive things and how they make me act in situations and towards others.

Thinking about this has stemmed from this pregnancy. From the beginning I have feared something would go wrong, exactly what is different as I progress but I realized recently that a lot of the fears are rooted in two things.

1. Experiences that people around me are having.
2. My experiences in Olivia's first few months.

I decided as a way to hopefully move past some of the fears I would get them out of my head.

In the beginning, I feared I would have a miscarriage. This fear was sparked by a few close friends that had experienced miscarriages along with the fact I had some spotting in the beginning. With Olivia, as naive as it probably was, I never once feared I would lose her.

As I moved into the second trimester and neared the anatomy scan I feared the baby would have some sort of defect. This one is deep rooted, it's one I haven't moved past, though the scan was clear, and worries me on the daily. A few things have sparked this fear. One being that I didn't feel the baby move for a long time. We went to the anatomy scan at 21 weeks and I had only felt what I assumed was baby a couple times. Olivia had her anatomy scan at 19 weeks and she was like a ninja, so the lack of movement scared me. Another, a friend who is just under a week ahead of me found out her baby has a heart defect. And probably the biggest, our experience with Olivia. Her getting so so sick when she was only weeks old, being told by ER doctors that we basically were horrible parents for not just giving her Tylenol, and then her ending up getting really bad and being admitted to the hospital, dehydrated, and tons of tests ran to figure out what was wrong, to find out she had a birth defect that wasn't caught on the scan. While luckily, she was/is fine and she is growing out of her defect, as a new parent it is still one of the worst, mostly terrifying moments of my life. And while she is on an antibiotic everyday to prevent kidney infections and damage to her kidneys while we wait for her to completely outgrow it, anytime she starts getting sick or has a slight fever I instantly fear she has a kidney infection. And lastly, what probably started this fear to begin with. We were originally planning on having a home birth with this baby. I was already seeing a home birth midwife and it was going to happen. But then I got a very strong feeling I needed to have our baby in a hospital. (While I know many people have different ideas about home birth I believe that as long as the pregnancy is low risk and all is well they are 100% safe.) I ignored the feeling. But I kept having it, and the feeling got stronger and more frequent so I felt I should probably go with it. And in that moment that I decided to switch, my fear that something will go wrong was born. So, I fear they didn't catch something with this baby. I fear that baby will be born and all will be well and then BAM, everything will crumble or something will go wrong during the birth.

I feared having a 2nd trimester miscarriage. I was told of someone who had recently had one and a few weeks later had a significant amount of spotting. Everything ended up being fine but it was scary for a few days.

And of course, I have general fears about having a second. Will Olivia feel abandoned? Will she love the baby? I know I will love the baby but what if I don't like the baby as much as Olivia? What if this baby is just as hard as Olivia was as a baby? Can I manage it all again and still make sure Olivia is enjoying life? Anxiety. (I also realize these fears are normal going from one child to another).

Also, I'm really not a baby person. 😬 I think they are cute, but I honestly never really have the desire to hold other people's baby's. I do of course, but it always freaks me out a little especially the tiny ones. Partially because I feel like for some reason I don't know how to hold their baby right. Every baby likes to be held a little differently and not knowing the right way for that baby gives me a little anxiety. (There have been a few exceptions where I want to hold someone's baby and it just works and I don't mind holding them for awhile but for the most part, 30 seconds and I'm good).

Although, Olivia is entering the emotionally draining threenager age, I LOVE kids starting at 2. Younger than that, and even with Olivia, I just want them to be older.

Now that I have fully ranted on my fears about baby. Maybe I should clarify that I actually like being a mother 😉.

I love being Olivia's mom. She is seriously the best. She's so stinking cute, funny, sweet, strong willed, friendly, a good eater, and so smart. She's the best! I love hanging out with her.

Even though I really don't like being pregnant, because I tend to have hard pregnancies and this one has been rougher than Olivia's, I am amazed at my body's ability to create and grow life within me. And then to feed that life after birth! Women's body's are seriously so so amazing and I am grateful that though there have been many struggles associated with child bearing and rearing we have not, at least not yet, had to suffer through infertility.

Although I am terrified, I am so excited to meet our new baby. I am excited for Olivia to have a buddy and totally be little miss mom.

I know that even though I have fears, and thus far those fears have luckily not been some sort of intuition of what would actually happen, that even if the worst happens, even if we go through hard things with this baby similar to Olivia that we CAN make it through. I am a mom who can provide for my baby the best way I know how, I honestly don't care if other people don't agree with the way we choose to parent, and any struggles that come our family is strong enough to endure and come out happy and thriving.

I love my family. And I will love our family with one more. It may take an adjustment period but it's going to be so amazing and exciting to see where we end up.

3rd trimester baby #2

As of a few days ago I am officially in the third trimester. Three more months to go (is it really that far away???)

I just read the blog post I posted at this same time when I was pregnant with Olivia. My outlook was so different and very much the same. I felt like it was going by fast, this time it feels like forever. (Maybe because I was sick longer this time? And overall this pregnancy has been harder?) I couldn't sleep at all at this point with Olivia, this time John bought me this awesome pregnancy pillow for Christmas and it is a life saver, besides waking up to pee all the time and when Olivia wakes up from a nightmare I definitely am still sleeping well.
With Olivia I had a goal to walk every day and go to yoga once a week. This baby, walking every day doesn't really work because it's cold/snowy/rainy here BUT I do yoga at home almost every day and workout 3-5 days a week.

Needless to say I'm excited to not be pregnant anymore, excited for Olivia to be a big sister, and excited to find out baby's sex at the birth!

I'm nervous to have a baby again, Olivia was so hard, and nervous to be a mom of two.

100 days till....

... Olivia's 3rd birthday, John graduates, baby's due dates. 😬

Apparently, we are really good at making sure all the big things happen at the same time! 😉

At least we decided to move over break instead of adding that to the list! We are officially settled in our new place and we love it! The kitchen is just amazing, Olivia is loving the space (and she still has a window to watch the snow and creep on neighbors), and it's in such a great location (close to John's work and close to grocery stores and yummy sushi restaurants). Though, we are definitely missing our Provo friends and activities.

My pregnancy is continuing to be a roller coaster. The nausea has finally slowed down, though it's still bad in the morning and occasionally throughout the day, I was having insane dizzy spells that would last for hours but I increased my iron and salt (super low blood pressure) and they happen only rarely and just for a few minutes. I still have super bad hip pain, but the chiropractor helps that! And a couple weekends ago we had a little scare and I had to stop working out, lifting Olivia, and take it easy for about a week, but all is well with me and baby and I am OK to workout and carry Olivia all day long if she wants!

I crave veggies ALL the time and eat an obscene amount of them. Seriously, I probably eat almost a full day's worth of servings at every meal.

I have to pee all the time (tmi?) and since it's so cold and dry here my hands are a mess from washing them so much.

Baby is finally starting to have a little stronger kicks, but no where near as strong as Olivia was and not as often as Olivia either. Which is nice because her kicks started to hurt!

I'm just a few weeks away from the 3rd trimester, which is crazy, and getting excited to have a newborn and for Olivia to be a big sister. And also, super nervous about how I'll handle being a mom of two, how Olivia will handle having to share me, and whether or not I even remember how to take care of a newborn.

Being pregnant is a weird thing and I am so grateful for the ability my body has to create and grow life within me.

Pregnancy update

How far along? 24 weeks, 2 days
Total weight gain/loss: 12 lbs

Maternity clothes? Most definitely. And leggings are my best friend. 
Stretch marks? Nope
Sleep: Fine. My right hips hurts a lot so it's hard to stay comfortable. 
Best moment this week: John finally felt baby move last night! 

Movement: Not as often or strong as Olivia at this point. But in the mornings and evenings some. 
Food cravings: I have cravings all the time but they aren't the same thing ever. But veggies galore always sound good! 
Anything making you queasy or sick: I'm still nauseous in the mornings and sugar makes me sick.
Have you started to show yet: Yeah, the bump is huge. 
Gender prediction: Idk everyone that is pregnant with their second right now seems to be having the same as their first, but it's probably a boy. 

Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On and still loose. 
Happy or Moody most of the time: Depends on the day and my symptoms.